Baby Don't Jump the Gun!

Getting very excited at the prospect of going to my new firm, learning new things, working with new people - and new materials! - that I was thinking unwittingly to myself: "Hmm.. but I can only pour myself out into my work while I'm single, right.. Since design work needs a lot of time, dedication, a lot of overtime.. And when I am married I gotta take care of my husband, and probably in three, four years I'm gonna have kids and then, I wonder if I can just leave the kids in day care.. But I do want to take care of my family... But I also want to pursue my goal of being an excellent landscape architect..."

At which point I have to catch myself and say, "Dammit Shiela, those kids don't even exist yet! Stop dragging them into your own planning!"

Sigh. It's true, passion is lived day-by-day and I have not even proven that yet, let alone think of how my *as-of-yet-non-existent* kids will influence my *as-of-yet-non-existent* career! ><


"When work, commitment, and pleasure all become one and you reach that deep well where passion lives, nothing is impossible."

On Boundaries

"Boundaries don't keep people out. They fence you in."
-Meredith Grey

Incidentally, before deciding to write this post I had to think of whether writing about my relationship would cross my own personal boundaries.. After all, the more precious something is to me, the more I try to cherish and keep it private *not always successful especially in the times I'm giddy with happiness >< *. In the end though, I decide that since a fair portion of my thoughts these days is about relationships, since most of my growth right now happens in the context of my own relationship and since this space exist to chronicle my thoughts and growth.. I feel the need to write, even if it is indeed more personal than my usual musings.

Boundaries.. Where does the pure, solid 'I' with my own opinions, dreams, quirks and needs stand, and the part of me who wants to please another person begins? Even as a fiercely independent person wary of needing too much of a man, of being 'owned' by him, of giving myself away just to be taken for granted by another, I know I *and every other girl with a guy to adore, I assume* tend to want to give, give, give to the person I care about. This is where the boundary problem starts, because sometimes we give too much of our time, our energy, our thoughts, our sacrifices, into a relationship and ends up feeling "Who am I? Am I my own person still or am I just a spineless existence who have sacrificed too much for another?'.. As if there's a hole in the fence around me that defines 'me' and then parts of another person comes in and invades our protected territory.

And the best part? Realized over the years that my sense of self can only be invaded if I allow it, and the negative feelings I have towards others due to boundary problems is my own responsibility. Gawd, the ways I've allowed other people to invade in! *okay actually not that bad, but things like resentment towards my mom because I allowed her opinions to affect me too much did make my life miserable for some time*

These musings come.. as I'm in that stage of the relationship where we're exploring one another's interests, and yes, I realize I'm spending a lot of time discovering what matters to him, and wanting to be good in skills I know would please him. *no, not the Kamasutra, mind you* What with my tendency to single-mindedly pursue new things and natural curiousity to learn and do as much as I can, I've had to step back and see if things I've discovered through him has become my own interest, or if they still still are 'his'.

And if they are still 'his', then I have to keep myself from spending too much time and focus on them. *Since time and focus are limited resources, and dang I need them especially in this final semester!*

Why all the trouble to do something that seems so cold and selfish as maintaining a strong 'me'-ness when the emphasis in a relationship should be of 'us'? Because I believe without two clearly defined, strong 'me's, there won't be a strong, healthy 'us'.. Recalled a conversation with a girl friend where she said she felt like people know her more for being *****'s girlfriend than for being her own self.. That.. ranks rather high in my list of mortal fears in Life... ><

On the end note, though, I have to say there isn't anything quite as liberating as being in a relationship where you're allowed, cherished even, for being yourself.. There isn't a surprise quite like the happy surprise when you discover that your boundaries and his fits quite nicely in some parts... and there is no other kind of vulnerability so tender, so precious, so beautiful as when you are allowed to cross the self-defining boundaries of another, knowing how special a privilege it is to be trusted as such.

-

Sh: "So, you're a vegetarian?"
Me: "Yeah.. but don't worry I'm not standing on a moral high ground.."
Sh: "Religious reason? or personal choice?"
Me: "Choice.. for me it's like we're standing on a junction and you choose to turn left while I turn right..haha.."
L: "Well except there's more food on the left.."
Me: "Yeah.. well..."
__
And since we were in a middle-eastern joint, here was a sample pick-up line for a middle-eastern situation, suggested by a fellow CSer:
"I'm the falafel to your shawarma..."

=D

Salmao...

Salmao means salmon in Portuguese.. so, what's with salmons, you ask?

The story goes, capoeiristas who have gone through their batizado ('baptism', or the first time they play with a mestre and is taken down in the roda) will get an apelido, a nickname, and it's usually the name of an animal. For example, some of my seniors are called Bat, Owl, Frog, Cat, Duck, Cheetah etc, in Portuguese. Few days ago, a capoeira senior told me, "Well, I'm not authorised to give out apelidos, but if I am, I've got one for you.."

..and it's Salmao! Hahaha.. Well no complaints since they're one of the most persevering animals around, but when I asked him if that's the reason for the apelido (I was telling him about my struggle in the studio, coming up with a new design each week and trying to persevere through it all..), he said, "You're supposed to fish it out for yourself. Pun intended.' Hmph.

Anyone wanna suggest their thoughts on similarities between me and salmons?

The Pain That Never Came

Two days ago I went to consult a doctor on whether to pull my wisdom tooth, since I've been having some pain and I didn't want it to give me problems in Manila *going to Manila yay!*

Anyway, I had always been wary of visiting a dentist since I had a wisdom tooth pulled 3 years ago, and the dentist who did it was so rough that not only I had several ulcers thanks to his hasty maneuvering, the whole procedure felt like forever, I saw lots of blood going through the suction tube, and it became so traumatic..

Plus, 2 months ago I went to have a dental check-up and it was a young, also kinda rough doctor who did it, not to mention he seemed all haughty towards his Philippino assistant *never trust doctors with an attitude problem* He told me I gotta have my teeth pulled but, well, I don't wanna open my mouth in front of him ever again.

So. A hostelmate suggested a clinic in Toa Payoh; I went there and specifically asked the receptionist to give me an appointment with a gentle doctor. She said "No worries". Cool. Went in, it was another young *or at least young-looking* doctor.. but I could tell right away that he's a gentle destist! Hahaha..

It's funny really.. connecting with doctors is like connecting with people.. Some people you just instantly like and trust.. Anyway, when he was checking my teeth he was constantly telling me what's he doing, what was happening.. which is really cool since I hate doctors who just sit there and let patients wonder "ok what's going on..? What's gonna happen next...?"

Then comes decision time.. Do I or do I not let this doctor pull my teeth...? Ow heck, he told me "It's important for me that patients don't feel pain.. You just sit there, relax, and let me do the hard work.." Doc I love you!! True enough.. the tooth extraction lasted less than 10 minutes, it was really simple and he was soothing me throughout.. ("ok 90% out, don't worry...")

BUT, you say, of course I would feel no pain, I had been anaesthetized.. Precisely my thinking. Which was why I went back and was nervous the whole evening.. Waiting for my mouth to start feeling painful.. The doc said the anaesthetics would wear off around 8 PM.. Was ready in front of my computer, reading comics to distract me from any sudden feeling of pain.. Then, it was 9PM... 10PM... 11PM... Still no pain... Hmm... Decided to sleep cuz well.. I can't possibly wait for the pain to hit the whole night..

The next morning.. still no pain! Hmm... and, my friend told me, it's cool because no swelling either.. And here I am, 2 days later, still no pain and with my mouth healed such that I even forgot I have an extraction wound inside...

Oh wow, I've written that to lead a good life you gotta get 3 things right: what you believe, whom you marry, and what you do for living. Let's add a 4th, very very important point: Find a dentist you can trust!

On Principles

Principles.. can only hold well if there are solid reasoning and foundation behind them.. Since re-examining my beliefs and slowly and agonizingly reconstructing them till now, my propensity to adopt principles and stick to them have suffered as well.

And so, for now, regarding other people I only have two:

1. Don't play with other's feelings

2. Don't lie to yourself

I think those two would already keep my hands full!

Mengepak Barang

Shiela.. tidak merasa bahwa dia memiliki terlalu banyak buku. Tumpukan kardus berkata lain.

Long Live L

"I just can't sit any other way than this. If I sit the way other people do, my reasoning ability drops by 40%."

- L, Death Note

__

Coolest anime character yet invented..

A Little Big Sis

Was shopping around a bit, trying to find a (super belated) birthday present for my youngest brother.. And as I wander around looking for a suitable present, I came to realize just how much my youngest brother has grown up... Gone were the days where my brothers thought I'm the coolest sister just because I could draw tons of Pokemon characters for them to color, the times where they would gladly come to their "know-it-all" sis for help with homework, more and more I'm thinking what is there to being a big sister, especially to teenage brothers who are growing up far-away from me....

And so. The immediate problem was how to assert my status as "cool big sister" by finding a cool present for my brother's 16th birthday. Coloured pencils? Nah, that was for long ago when he specialized in vandalising the walls... Stuffed animals? He used to like them, but am not sure he still does... Gundam robots? C'mon Shiela what are you thinking.. Chocolate? (the Plan B that always becomes Plan A in my case because hey, how can you go wrong with chocolate?) but nah, not for my brother... A mug? Too classic... Shirt? I don't really know his size.. Perfume? Yep my "heck-care" youngest bro now uses it and I know what he likes, but he just bought a full bottle.. Bag? He got a cool faux leather one from my other bro.. Stationery? Shoes? 

In the end, I gave up and fall back on the one thing that always works with brothers (at least with mine..) : I tell him he can choose a restaurant and order whatever he wants. So, we were going to eat at Bakerzin because they have fantastic desserts, and I was to meet him in VivoCity. 

"Sis, where are you? Am here in front of the shop." "K, be there in 5 minutes", and while looking for my brother, I realize that I'm no longer trying to spot the kid with loose t-shirt and baggy shorts (oh yeah, he was so heck-care he even wore his shorts the wrong way several times. Nope, he doesn't read my blog.) Now, am looking at a tall guy with a well-cut shirt, cool black jeans, trendy shoes, nice posture, and thinking, "Wow that's my kid brother.." And it hits me that these days when I go out with my brothers I always make an effort to dress "older", "more sophisticated", that kinda thing... because if I hang out with them wearing shirt, bermudas and sandals, I look like some 16 year old heck-care "kid" following her cool-looking older brother around.. What an irritating state of affairs! 

And during the lunch treat I discovered quite a lot about my brothers. For example, that he doesn't like thick-crust pizza. That he doesn't really like chocolate. (ok, so luckily I didn't choose the easy way out). That he once went all around Singapore collecting free advertisement postcards AND WROTE A MESSAGE IN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM just because the girl he adores likes those kind of postcards.

Wow. 

I've always adored my younger brothers, in an "oh-my-bro-is-so-cute"kind of way, but I think I'm starting to really like and admire them for the persons they are becoming. I feel like a "little" big sis..Not just because my brothers are now physically so much bigger than me, but also because they are stronger, more dependable, becoming their own personalities instead of just my little brothers.

Oh, but the other day, the middle one called me all the way from Malaysia to ask about a problem in Business Law, which he should've known is not my domain, but he still wanted my help anyway. I'm a bit proud.. Maybe the little big sis still has to be around for some time...

Ingin Aku...

"Happines is crying and knowing there's someone there for you.... Sadness is laughing and having no one to laugh with.."

- A Cat in My Eyes, Fahd Djibran

Ingin aku melipat waktu

Ingin kudengar suaramu

Walau hanya sebentar saja

Sebelum kita terdiam lagi

Ingin aku memotong jarak

Ingin kupandang mata itu

Walau dalamnya tak dapat kuduga

Sebelum kita berpaling lagi

Ingin aku mencuci otak

Bebas dari kenangan manis

Kembali pada kenaifanku

Sebelum kita sempat bertemu

Ingin aku membunuh rasa

Supaya aku tidak usah

Melipat waktu, memotong jarak,

dan mencuci otak....

___

"First I wanna say, YP, that I'm proud of you..."

=)

Been a Good Day...

I went to Pulau Ubin with some of the JC gang today! Fun!

And....

I rode a bicyle!! 

And....

I actually RODE DOWN SLOPES!!!!!

And....

We got to see Chek Java (the famed coastal area that's the most biodiversity-rich spot in Singapore) at low tide! I went there several times before but had never managed to catch it at low tide..

...Huah.... Am tired, but it's the kind of satisfied tiredness where you are immobilised on the bed with a big smile on your face... (ok in my case I still need to make some models for tomorrow after this, but heck..)

So yeah, went cycling to Ubin island today with 5 jc classmates... and last night I was actually quite nervous because it will be my first time on a bycicle again after my 'little' accident... Well, cycling isn't a big deal for lots of people, but let's just say that since 2 years ago, seeing people cycle downslopes make my hairs stand on end.. I actually remember the impression when my whole face hit the road after I flew off the bycicle.. that split second that felt like...well it felt like my face was slammed down on the gravel hard... not a nice feeling...

BUT! But today I overcame that cursed fear of riding bicycles! So happy!!!!

After the incident, I went back to Ubin several times with my trekking buddy (who was there on 'that fateful day' also...in fact I was transported to hospital on his dad's car huhuhu...), but I've always insisted that we walk around the island, not ride. This time...I kinda just decided to go along though I know the plan is to ride around the island...because:

1. I'm fed up of being afraid of riding a bicycle... I mean, when I was in Europe I was practically scared to visit the Netherlands and kept postponing just because I might have to ride a bike there.... (ufh it feels good to make that confession...)

2. My jc classmates will be there...n there's something about them that makes me feel at ease and kinda calm when we gather... I don't really know why... maybe because jc was the time when I opened up to people and I've spent 2 great years with them (minus the fact that we had to study for the A levels..)

So yeah.. when we reached the bike rental shops on the entrance of the island I was kinda nervous...in fact at first I told my friend why don't I ride on a tandem bike with him...huhuhu.. Am glad that in the end I just chose to get it over and done with..this riding a bike business...

At first, I went sloooooooooooow even on totally flat ground, and nervously got down from my bike and walked everytime there's a sign "Warning: Deep Slope Ahead". But eventually I started enjoying the breeze, the sun (I love it when my arms become reddish-brown tanned haha..I feel so healthy! ), the scenery...and just lost that fear of suddenly losing my balance, or braking to avoid people, or crashing into other people.... Then, I boldened myself to go through the gentler slopes without dismounting from the bike....Then, it was on to the deep slopes....Slowly, slowly, keep the  back brakes functioning...be in control..... and heck, now I can ride down steep slopes without the nagging feeling that something WILL DEFINITELY go wrong =)

Oh when I went down slopes I still have a bit of flashes of memories where I couldn't control my bike at all and...that split second of slammin'.. but I just focus on operating the brakes huhuhu..

I'm really grateful too that my friends kept checking on me throughout the whole journey, asking whether I'm ok, not letting me be the last person of the convoy, and being totally understanding though I slowed them down a lot at the beginning...

Add this to the list of friends to treasure: those who understand the silly daredevil in you, and yet they also understand the little coward you sometimes are.(and not laugh!)

The Ubin-Bike-Trip was officially closed with a round of cold young coconut in the Changi Village Hawker Center, and honestly, that was a fantastic ending! =)

Really....?

..... ok..... I guess I'll have to agree that Sg is a pretty cool place to live in... IF your kids don't have to go into the government education system... thinking about it, the reasons I don't want to stay and work in Singapore for long is because:

1. the mentality of "live to work" and not "work to live"

2. only 2 weeks of holiday are given per year for non-expats (i.e yours truly included..)

3. my kids, if I have them, will hate me for imprisoning them in Singapore schools... Either that, or they would be too apathetic, ignorant and obedient to realize that something is wrong with the schools...

While we're at it, this morning there's an article on the newspaper that Singaporean parents are panicking because the traditional Ten Years Series - a compilation of past year O level papers - has not yet been published, due to some copyright disputes. It says something about Sg that parents are the ones getting really upset because now their children cannot do assessment papers.....

To be fair, though, I felt fine for the most of my educational period. Granted, I became a study-robot nearing O-levels, and before the A-levels I studied until I literally got the urge to vomit... (I didn't know what's the logic/ mechanism behind it till now...), but well, I wasn't extremely stressed or anything.....

Ah well, I've digressed too much. For better or worse,at least for the next two years I'll still be  stuck in this sunny little island. Might as well enjoy it.

On Mistakes

"We are not so much the result of our achievements as we are the culmination of our mistakes."

- Phin Wong, Maladjusted

The phrase just sticks with me because I'm thinking, in my case, how true it is. Maybe I take my achievements for granted, having the kind of brain to which achievements come rather easy... Maybe my definition of achievements is screwed (Singaporeanised, more like...)  but I never did realise till now just how much I value my mistakes, or so-called mistakes, much more than my achievements... (or so-called achievements, yeah..)

Question of the day: If my mistakes make me who I am, shall I still call them mistakes?

I guess why we call a mistake a mistake is because even though it teaches us a lot, we still would not want to repeat them. (Like, my freak bicycle accident reduced me recklessness and make me consider my parents more before doing things... but to again "fly" and kiss asphalt? No thanks..)

Anyway, I realise too that I have friends from very varied backgrounds, ranging from pure conservative to bloody radical to just plain unique (read: weird ;p ) that whatever I do will most probably be "right" in one circle and "wrong" in another. I think most people are in this kind of position too... and it's a good one, for it forces one to think for oneself and not merely sway with the crowd. (I'd have to admit, though, that at times it sucks to have so many different AND opposing inputs.)

Ah, well.... let's close with some quotes:

"All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes."

- Winston Churchill

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

- Oscar Wilde

Blissfully moody.... Moodily blissfull...

It's post-submission......huaaaahhhh...... *grins wide* and I slept at 10 pm last night hehe.. Actually it's not so much the length of the sleeping period that is nice, but to be able to hit the pillow without thinking about a list of to-dos for the next day....

Traditionally, this is the time where archi students either spend almost the whole day sleeping, or sit around feeling weird because suddenly they have so much time in their hands... It's a good feeling.. =)

Well unfortunately since this is RIBA semester, model submission is on Friday but at least I don't have to deal with spatial planning, construction details and CAD (Computer Aided Design) for now..fiuh!
Going to spend the day making a pretty white bristle board model, while listening to the sound of rain outside the window....

Ah bliss.....

Human candies...chew on them!

OK, a bit of background info: the term "human candy" is introduced by a friend I met in France who also loves to pull pranks on people...and well...some people are just so much more tempting to "chew on" than others, and we call these people human candies heheheheh...

Had a pretty funny "human candy experience" on the plane today... (yeah...12 hours Paris-Singapore flight....). Went like this:

Walked to my seat n started thumbing through the in-flight magazine...then several guys took the seats to the left and right of me...2 on my right and 3 on my left....and they started speaking in Indonesian...*I wonder if the flight attendant purposely put all of us together...she obviously didn't know how dangerous it could be when Indonesians team up with Indonesians....)
Anyway, when I was still wondering how to greet them, the one on my left started speaking in Indonesian...
Guy on Left: "Eh ajak ngobrol dong tuh cewek, sana ajak ngobrol..." ("Eh, eh, talk to that girl! c'mon talk to that girl.." I guess it's because I was the only girl in a row of guys..right in the middle too!)
Guy on Right: *smiling...*
Me a.k.a Girl in the Middle: *thinking that it would be much more fun to pretend I'm not Indonesian rather than reveal that I'm indonesian and possibly get stuck with overenthusiastic guys for the next 12 hours....*

So yeah, for the whole of the flight I pretended that I'm not Indonesian, spoke to the stewardess in French, and the situation became kinda hillarious...Just after I took the meal, I went to the toilet, and after I got seated again:
Guy on Left: "OK she's back, can talk to her now..."
Guy on Right: "No...later...." *and here's the creepy part..he was looking directly at me as he said it...dang...*
Me, a.k.a Girl Stuck in the Middle: *innocent smile to Guy on Right pretending I don't understand a word of what they're saying*

And then, about 20mins before we're about to land, there was an announcement in French that the plane's about to land (and none in English...hmm..Air France...not that I'm complaining, especially with the great cheese, free wine and Haagen Dasz..), and Guy on Right "asked" me whether the plane's about to land:
Guy on Right: *gesturing with his hand a descending motion, with a questioning face*
Me: "Yes..."
Guy on Right: *looking at me again*
Me: *polite smile , then back to reading The Economist with a super serious look* (I have to admit that I'm totally laughing inside..f there's such a thing as mentally rolling on the floor..sometimes my abilty to totally disconnect what I feel with what I show on my face amazes even myself huhuhu....)
Guy on Right: "You...from Philippines?"
Me: *was gonna answer I'm from Indonesia, by reflex, but caught myself. "No, Singaporean."
Guy on Right: "Oh.."
Me: "And you?"
Guy on Right: "Indonesian.."
Me: *wide happy smile* "Ooooh.....Indonesian....."
Guy on Left: *looking over my shoulder...* "So can she understand you? Do you understand each other?" *ok I gotta admit that Guy on Left makes the situation a lot funnier that it would've been if it's just Guy on Right. Plus, bear in mind the fact that I'm actually in the middle of these 2 guys and they're talking ABOUT me ACROSS me...geez....*
Guy on Right: "Indonesian food...good..."
Me: "Yeah actually, I visited Indonesia before and I think the food's really good.."
*some more light conversation, in which almost every sentence I utter is direct/indirect lie....silence for a while...he smiled at me, I smiled at him...the whole pretending I'm innocent thing..*

Well....in the end I kinda can't restrain a smile when I look at him...and decide to confess just so he doesn't misunderstand the fact that I'm smiling everytime I look at his direction..
Me: *sweet smile* "Uhmm.....maaf ya, sebenernya saya orang Indonesia...." ("Sorry, actually I'm Indonesian....")
Guy on Right: looked at me with total disbelief, then looked as if he wanted to cry and laugh at the same time, and then looked away from me and made soft laughing noises... "uhm..ha..ha..ha..."
Guy on Right: *talking in Indonesian now* "Oh my gosh you are Indonesian...."
Me: "Yeah...sorry...but I didn't know how to introduce myself at first..and I gotta admit that I like to pull pranks...."
Guy on Right: *still somewhat embarrassed smile* "Oh, no, it's ok, it's ok...So what do you do in Paris?"
Me: "Went there for an exchange, just 6 months, I'm actually studying in Singapore...bla bla bla..."
*some more light conversation...I introduced myself to Guy on Left and apologized also...they're quite good sports...but I think if I'm a guy they would've punched me huhuhu....*
Guy on Right: "So......are you still single?"
Me: *awkward silence.....in which I thought, thank goodness I pretended I'm not Indonesian for at least 11 hours huhuhu...* "Uhm,no, I have a boyfriend.." *since the previous conversation was entirely lies, what's adding another one, right..*
*followed by some more awkward silence...*
Guy on Right: "Oh.."
Me: "Anyway, for you it must be hard to have a girlfriend right, since you're a sailor and has to move from one city to another.."
Guy on Right: "Yeah.....well....it will be difficult for the girl...bla bla bla..."
*And we exchanged parting words and I'm glad the funnily weird situation was over huhuhu....*
_____
Anyway it got me thinking, I've always viewed language as a window, by which I can look into a whole other world (by reading books in that language, for example...) - a new language will instantly make accessible a wealth of new information. Also, language for me is a bridge that makes it a lot easier to connect to other people, even if we only know one or two greetings or common words....
But hey, turns out language can be used as a wall too...for didn't I use it to build a whole barrier preventing people from connecting to me, because they think they would not be able to reach me anyway, as they don't master the language I'm communicating in. Hmmm.......

S: "Is it ok to believe when I still have many doubts? I hope so..am starting to accept that questions won't be resolved..maybe they'll lurk forever in my mind...but maybe tt's ok..."

DB:" Depends on what you mean... If there's volcanic eruption in Singapore right now and the only escape is an airplane...and you believe that the airplane will take you to safety BUT your lingering doubts cause you not to take the airplane, I'd say tt's not really ok....cuz then...well you'll be messed up by the volcano lah...."
DB: "the father did pray, "I believe, help thou my unbelief!"....this is true....but the motive behind it was a desperation to get OUT of doubts, OUT of unbelief, and INTO faith, INTO Jesus.......wanting to THROW AWAY doubts, fears, misgivings...and IMMERSE himself into the one who knows all, is all, and created all....Jesus."

S: "how do we know we're not just accepting things by blind faith? there can never be too much faith?"

DB:"what is blind faith?"

S:"accepting things without thinking, i guess...well...like,if u r an israeli soldier in the old testament,and God asked u to kill the Moabites or philistines, though it's written in the Law not to kill..."
........
DB: "And if we judge that right and wrong, we become God..which is exactly what i think the issue is "

S:"But our judgment, our morality, our sense of right or wrong is precisely created by Him..granted it's fallen, but it's still supposed to be a general revelation of God in us."

DB" .....the deception comes when we think we have any inkling or the slightest sense of right and wrong apart from God...."

Aku Cinta (Puisi) Indonesia!

Kemaren diundang makan sama temen org Prancis, but anehnya yg dateng org Asia semua..*Paris Asian Nite? Huhuhu aneh...* tapi berhubung ada org Indonesia yg gak bisa ngomong cina, orang Cina yg gak bisa ngomong Inggris, org Korea, org Singapur, n terakhir one brave French guy yg mengundang semua org Asia ini...jadilah bhs Prancis "lingua franca"nya.. meskipun gw cuma nangkep sekitar 50% dari yg diomongin..huhu..

Anyway, di tengah bhs2 yg campur aduk (Indo, Inggris, Mandarin, Prancis..), gw ngomong sm tmn Indo gw yg ud lama sekolah di Prancis, bhw dari byk bahasa gw tetep merasa bhs Indo yg paling puitis. Dan well.. Dia ngeliat ke gw, dan berekspresi kyk "Are you serious....?" kind of look.... Percakapan selengkapnya kira2 gini:
Gw n J: ngobrol2 ngalor ngidul pake bhs Indo gaul
RF *org cina*: "C'est comme la langue des animaux,ca!" *"Kayak bhs binatang..."
Gw: *uhm hrsnya ini in French, but dijadiin indo biar gampang* "Gak, ini krn bhs gaul, tp bhs Indo yg formal sih bagus.'
Org2 Sg: "Oh jadi ada ya bhs Indo yg formal?"
J: "Ada... tapi gw sih gak bisa ngomong.."
Gw: "Eh tp gw merasa tetep bhs indo tuh paling puitis..'
J: "Ok...................."

Huhuhuhuhu...Emg sih ini ud sering dibahas di blog gw...krn somehow hal yg paling gw suka dari Indonesia adalah bahasanya... sampe2 satu2nya pertimbangan gw utk balik dan kerja di Indonesia adalah supaya bisa dekat dgn bhs Indonesia, n supaya kl gw punya anak dia bisa belajar bhs Indonesia...hahahaha....but well, I'm serious about this... kl gak krn indahnya bhs Indo, udah lama gw gak bkl ngurus/ mikir identitas gw sng org Indo. ya bhs Prancis jg keren sih...tapi...ahhh...gw ud pernah denger *as in, bener2 denger n mikirin kata2nya* bhs Inggris, Prancis, Mandarin, Jepang, Tamil, Hindi, Parsi, Yahudi, Jawa, Batak, Minang, Melayu, Jerman, Italia *overrated!*, Swedia, Arab, Vietnam, Tagalog...but tetep aja, bhs paling indah, hidup bhs Indonesia!

Sebagai bukti, dan krn gw ud mulai kangen buku2 sastra bermutu Indonesia, di bawah ini 2 puisi dari Sapardi Djoko Damono... singkat, namun menyentuh....

Hujan Bulan Juni

tak ada yang lebih tabah dari hujan bulan juni
dirahasiakannya rintik rindunya kepada pohon berbunga itu

tak ada yang lebih bijak dari hujan bulan juni
dihapusnya jejak-jejak kakinya yang ragu-ragu di jalan itu

tak ada yang lebih arif dari hujan bulan juni
dibiarkannya yang tak terucapkan diserap akar pohon bunga itu

Aku Ingin

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan
kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan
awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada
_____

Addicted to Grass....

Right....before people wonder how come I'm addicted to grass even before I get to Amsterdam, let me explain.. I'm addicted to, specifically, lying around in grass... and being in Europe has made this addiction even more chronic...

In Singapore, where we have amazing lawns to lie down on, people frown when being asked to lie down / do activites in grass...I guess, it's somewhat justified since Singaporean grass is,how shall I say it, prickly, not to mention they can be infested by tropical insects..

Well...that still can't beat my fascination with lying on grass.... Somehow, closing my eyes when feeling the soil beneath me, and playing with grass tufts with my hand...is just so, very, enjoyable.... Do it early in the morning or late at night, when the soil is comparatively colder, and it can be very relaxing...two feelings I usually have after lying around in grass in "recharged" and "de-stressed" *that's why during my A-level period I laid down on grass almost everyday in a garden near my place...*

I've tried Botanic Gardens grass, my apartment's garden, ,Toa Payoh park, even NUS grass near Techno Edge *INFESTED BIG TIME by insects and ants..not recommended!*, but yea, there aren't many places in Singapore where you can lie down on grass and people won't stare... (another advantage of doing it at night when it is dark..).... In my humble opinion, the best grass to lie down on is the patch across The Fullerton besides Singapore river, just outside the Asian Civilisations Museum. The grass type is smaller compared to that usually found around Singapore, and as such it is also softer. Plus, you've got the river scenery to enjoy..aahhh....

But back to European grass. Last semester, I had a friend, an exchange student from Europe, who also like to lie down on grass, and his first reaction on trying Singapore grass is: "Oh, it's so prickly!" Having laid down on European grass in almost every city I've visited *except Copenhagen and Malmo*, I now understand fully what he meant. And I qoute, "Compared to Singaporean grass, European grass is soft as silk!"

And it still amazes me how the culture here is really to "go out and play"... Was taking a short nap in a park in Lyon, and eventually I was gently woken up by the buzz of activity around me...all happening on grass! Boys playing soccer, people chatting, sleeping, eating, playing badminton, couples dating *cheap and romantic! ;p*...just so many things happening!

The true spirit of summer is in the parks of Europe...and boy do I love the summer grass!

Reasonable Faith

“Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe?”
-Life of Pi, Yann Martel

Actually it's more apt to say,"what is MY problem with hard to believe?"

Hufh.....

Currently asking a lot of questions, shifting through a lot of influences, swimming in a lot of thoughts...

Trying to break free from my conditioning, and re-discover why I was willing to be conditioned in the first place..

One word describes my current condition: unresolved.

"Use reasoning in science, but not God."

Am I wrong to want to believe in a God so true and real He can be found in the realm of Reason and not just the realm of Faith?

The believer will scorn me for polluting faith with reasoning.
The non-believer will mock me for daring to mix the irrational with the rational.

Well and truly, unresolved.

Hm....

Baru ngebaca satu quote: "...inti kepandaian adalah kesanggupan untuk mendengarkan.."
Hm . . . . .

Dan satu lagi: " Seberapa terpelajarnya seseorang berbanding lurus dengan kesadarannya akan kebodohan dirinya sendiri.."

Yang mana, kalau menurut dua definisi tersebut.... uhm...well..yg jelas I'm still a long way from pandai dan terpelajar....