On Principles

Principles.. can only hold well if there are solid reasoning and foundation behind them.. Since re-examining my beliefs and slowly and agonizingly reconstructing them till now, my propensity to adopt principles and stick to them have suffered as well.

And so, for now, regarding other people I only have two:

1. Don't play with other's feelings

2. Don't lie to yourself

I think those two would already keep my hands full!

On Growth

At last I realize this.. Friends can grow separately without growing apart, but lovers cannot, or can't afford to, since their worlds are supposed to be closely intertwined. This is why I'm wary of long distance relationships.. It's very difficult to grow while making sure the other person knows how you're growing, and meanwhile keeping track of how he/she grows too.. It's distracting, and suffocating.. And isn't the whole point of a relationship is to grow together, building each other up?

Somehow this is a liberating realization, and made it so much clearer to my mind the difference between friendship and relationship! *For the longest time, I thought relationship = close friendship + physical closeness. Needless to say I found out it's not that simple ;p *

Cina..

Barusan ngepak kemaren malam.. dengan perasaan paranoid karena entah udah berapa banyak orang yang bilang di Beijing lagi dingin minta ampun, termasuk temenku yang orang Beijing.. Huhu.. Yah, kalaupun nantinya aku mati beku di Cina..

. . . .

Ok, mari ganti topiknya. Tadinya waktu memutuskan pergi ke Cina, cuma spontan aja *ok not that spontan sih.. Lebih tepatnya sih nekat..*, tapi semakin lama.. jadi semakin excited.. Bagaimanapun juga, itu dataran tempat nenek moyangku berasal, yang waktu kecil sering diceritakan papaku sebagai "orang-orang keturunan Naga". Nasib punya Bapak yang supporter Cina abis, aku tau bahwa orang-orang Cina itu dulunya ilmuwan, dokter, astronom, pelaut, sastrawan dan seniman yang handal2. Coba ya, kertas, buku, tinta, bubuk mesiu, sutra, kompas dan masih banyak lagi itu kan asal mulanya dari Cina.. Nggak lupa teknik arsitekturnya yang semakin aku dalami, semakin mempesona.. Belum lagi, kung-fu.. karena pada saat anak2 cewek lain mengidolakan Hanson, Westlife, 5566, Rain sampe kini Robert Pattinson, aku tetap setia pada Jet Li dan Jackie Chan, hasil 'didikan' papa dari kecil yang setiap ada film kung-fu baru bakal membonceng aku naik motor untuk nonton di bioskop.. *Salah satu kenangan masa kecil paling indah =) *

Tetep aja, sulit banget buatku untuk merasa 'Cina'.. Bahkan aku nggak bisa jatuh cinta dengan bahasa dan budayanya seperti aku jatuh cinta dengan bahasa Indonesia atau Perancis.. Padahal, bukannya nggak keren juga. Ada untungnya juga trip ke Cina. Untuk persiapan, aku banyak baca buku tentang sejarah Cina, Cina kuno, arsitektur Cina dan urban planning-nya budaya Cina dan cara orang2nya berkomunikasi.. Paling nggak sekarang aku lumayan curious tentang Cina. Baru nyadar bahwa menjadi "keturunan Cina" cuma berarti kakekku adalah orang Cina yang migrasi ke Indonesia, itu saja, karena soal budaya dan tradisi Cina, aku sama sekali buta. Deg2an juga karena mata sipitku pasti bakal bikin masalah kalo aku nekat ngomong bahasa inggris di sana.. Udah siap2 mental untuk dipanggil "Cina aspal" - asli tapi palsu..

Selain itu, anehnya Cina, apa yang dilihat di film, dibaca di buku2 filosofi, beda dengan apa yang kudengar dari sekeliling beberapa tahun terakhir ini..

Di film2, orang2 Cina punya nilai moral yang tinggi, rasa setia kawan, integritas, prinsip.. Tapi, coba, dari mulai guruku, teman, sampe papaku sendiri *seperti ditulis di atas, supporter Cina abis* bilang hati2 sama orang Cina, karena mereka itu paling licik, paling cari untung, penuh tipu daya.. Cewek2 Cina konon terkenal agresif, businessman2 Cina terkenal menghalalkan segala cara.. 

Dan lagi, idealnya, setelah melalui proses peradaban 5000 tahun, harusnya orang2 Cina itu sangat berbudaya.. Kenyataannya? Banyak teman2 yang pernah tinggal sehostel dengan orang2 Cina daratan cerita, yang katanya mereka jorok banget lah, suka ambil makanan orang di kulkas lah, kasar etc.. Tambahan lagi, katanya di Cina sekalipun, budaya antri itu nggak ada, orang2nya suka meludah sembarangan, toilet umum nggak bisa diharapkan *masukan dari internet, ditambah cerita trauma mamaku sendiri..*. Waktu tur ke Australia kemaren, sempat ketemu dengan banyak orang Cina, dan berhubung 2 adikku adalah 'pembenci Cina abis', jadinya mereka berdua malah terus-menerus observe kelakuan orang2 Cina itu, dan sering 'laporan' ke aku.. "Ci masa ya tadi ada bapak2 Cina, karena toilet cowoknya ada orang, dia cuek aja lho masuk ke toilet cewek.. Dasar orang Cina..", "Ci, tadi ya aku mo ngantri, trus langsung diserobot segerombolan orang Cina.. Dasar orang Cina.."

Well, well. Apa ya penyebab "keretakan" antara image orang Cina dalam buku2 sastra dengan di dunia nyata ini? Yah walaupun dalam kenyataan juga orang Amerika bukanlah superheroes Hollywood, dan orang India gak joget2 sesering itu... Apa gara2 "Cultural Revolution"nya Mao Tse Tung yang dengan gebleknya malah menyuruh orang2 intellektual pergi ke kampung untuk jadi petani sehingga sekarang budaya Cina jadi kental sifat "kampungan"nya?

Oh well, aku bakal punya kesempatan sendiri untuk pergi dan melihat kehidupan orang Cina, di pusat kebudayaannya lagi, Beijing. Let's see apa setelah ini aku bakal merasa lebih Cina dan lebih bangga mengaku keturunan Cina, atau malah aku menyamar jadi orang Jepang sekalian =D

The Buffet Theory

As readers of my blog will know, I often try to understand relationships by comparing them to things.. Diseases, organ transplantation, car crash *you never know when you're gonna get hit, and to what extent you'll recover...* etc..

One of my favorite authors compared having a relationship to eating a buffet.. And the more I think about it, the more it makes sense..  There are many flavours to savor, you like some and dislike some.. And someone fussy will of course have more difficulty finding a buffet to his/ her liking..

Then, you might get lucky finding a buffet spread so delicious that you just want to take more, more, more.. Each mouthful just makes you impatient for the next.. However, it won't be good if the buffet's full of greasy, sugary junk food.. Just like a relationship where one party is too focused on another party who might be very self-centered/ abusive is unhealthy.. The key here is to find someone so delicious you can't get enough of him/ her, yet so nutritious that the more you partake of the person, the more you get inspired, grow, become a better person.. *For those wondering if this sentence hints towards cannibalism.. Dude you're sick... Go get help!*

If the relationship ends.. Well, it's really like after a buffet, no? Some are so full they just want to stay off buffets for a while.. Some crave another feast they just plunge into the next available spread.. *Just a note, it's proven that people will eat more in a buffet and become more undiscerning with the food, i.e they tend to eat for the sake of eating..*

Going on, perhaps just like in a relationship (in my opinion anyway), in a buffet one must remember to eat moderately.. Restrain oneself a bit even if the urge is to devour everything.. Make it last as long and as pleasurably as possible!

"You are what you eat."

- general wisdom

Rasa2nya...

... hidup gw mirip seperti cara jalan gw.. Sering kesandung, tapi jarang jatuh..

Patut dibanggakan nggak ya...?

On ( The Horribly Horrible Flaws of) Jetstar

Well the purpose of this blog is not to rant about things, and besides rarely do I get ticked off.. But here's is an account of my worst flight experience after extensive travels around Europe, Asia and Australia.. FRIENDS, FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE AND SAFETY, DO NOT FLY JETSTAR. BASED ON THE INFORMATION I GOT, THEIR FLIGHTS ARE ALMOST GUARANTEED TO BE DELAYED, THE PLANES ARE NOT OF GOOD QUALITY, AND SERVICE SUCKS BIG TIME.

Ok here's why i'm now anti-jetstar:
1. when I first came to Australia through Darwin, the connecting flight was delayed 2 hours in the middle of the night, but fine, things happen sometimes, I didn't hold a grudge, but then.. 

2. on the flight back to Sg, i was supposed to take a plane from Cairns to Darwin, then Darwin to Sg. The plane was going to take off from Darwin and halfway through, the pilot BRAKED dammit.. after waiting for half an hour in the plane they told us it's not serviceable and they're gonna try to get another plane. That's 3 hours delay. 

3. Thankfully reached Darwin, but then told that the flight from Darwin-Sg is delayed 5 hours.. so we're gonna board at 23.39.. and we received $10 meal voucher for compensation.. The staff was very unapologetic to the point of seeming rude..

 4. Some people who had flights from Sg to somewhere else tried to work it out with the jetstar staff but were just told "Sorry we can't help you." A lady was in tears, going to miss a flight to Europe just like that.. That's at least S$1000 mind you..

 5. Went to the lounge.. talked to other disgruntled passengers.. funny thing is, there were people from other flights tt were delayed as well BECAUSE THE PLANES WERE NOT IN CONDITION TO FLY.. some things wrong with the engine and radios..

 6. Found out that we all received different amounts of compensation depending on the extent we protested.. some ignorant ones (like me n my bro) received $10, some $100, some $150, one lady received $300.. Jetstar doesn't seem to have a proper management system, if they have it at all.. 

7. Talked to a taxi driver in Darwin n yeah, he confirmed that jetstar is terrible because their flights are often delayed, while when he was late for his flight for 10mins, they told him he could not board. 

I think this combination of bad planes, bad timings, bad service and bad reputation is enough to stay off Jetstar the rest of my life... 

Le Café - Oldelaf

A French song I accidentally found on Youtube that harps on the effect of coffee.. and taking too much coffee hahaha.. Basically, in the beginning of the song the lyrics kind of concludes that nothing keeps one alert and functioning like a cup of coffee, but throughout the day, various people offered the main character cups and cups of coffee.. until in the end he becomes addicted, and well, you can see the result for yourself.

Even if you don't understand French, do check out the video because it's easy to understand and really funny!

Gotten a bit in touch with reality today, checking the exam results...
More than satisfactory, thank goodness, though I need to put more heart into studio next sem..

In a sudden flash of inspiration.. I "know" what my thesis topic will be... Hehehe.. It joins the complexity of architecture, the wide scope of landscape, and my desire to do something meaningful and not just cosmetic design... Plus, I'll be able to study it a bit when I go to China *Excited! Sending out CS resuests now..* and I can learn a lot about it from my own country, Indonesia..

Ass on fire now... I wanna make my last year in NUS really meaningful... Uooh!

Calmly Cairns...

Cairns is a city in North Australia that I chose for the family holiday simply for the "exotic-sounding name" factor.. Aside from the fact that it's a popular base to explore the Great Barrier Reef..

Dang this town is so calm.. in a nice way.. When we first came we couldn't believe we've arrived at the city center because all we could see was one storey buildings unformly built in beach bungalo style, painted in pastel colors.. Green, lush mountains form the backrop for the city, while the beach peeps from in between the buildings...

It lends new meaning to the phrase "the good life" ... (Though I was talking to the hotel receptionist and got a glimpse of just how bad the racial separation problems between the white Australians and the Aborigines are..)

Well.. went snorkeling with middle bro and Dad, which is an achievement because it took a lot of my persuasive powers to convince my Mom that it is not dangerous.. Mom and Grandma, in turn, enjoyed the beauty of the reefs on a semi-submarine..

Took a 7km cable car ride atop mountainous rainforest, of which the highlight of my day was when my Mom went into the forest, saw the big trees and thought them pretty cool (she normally would not be found in these kind of 'habitats'...) Ended up in an Aborigines cultural village, tried out how to throw a spear and a boomerang (not as difficult as I imagined, and fun!)

Family going back tomorrow while youngest bro and I will stay back 3 more days for, hopefully, more exploring and walking. Been really enjoying Australia, and the company of my family.. Guess one great thing that emerged from this is that I get to show my parents the activities I usually like to do, the way I usually like to explore, and they've been pretty cool about it. Glad for that.

It's true that people live through their experience.. that days count more if you experience new things everyday, while they don't count if you just live a monotonous life..
And boy, I've been living it up this holiday!

Briefly Brisbane

Stopped over in Brisbane for 2 nights. Some cool stuff:

1. Went to Dreamworld theme park with the whole family and it was unexpectedly pretty fun *ok I know I'm negatively biased towards family holidays, but it's just because in my family we really do have very different characters and hobbies*. Kudos to Mom for trying out this thrill ride called "The Cyclone" that..well... spins you around, basically.. Went on a ride called the "Tower of Terror" with my bros.. supposedly one of the fastest thrill rides in the world.. Let's just say it was surprising, and if you want to experience being catapulted from 0 kmph to about 120 kmph in several seconds, this one's for you..

2. I understand now why Gold Coast is called Gold Coast... We arrived there nearing the evening where there weren't so many surfers, and well.. the place is basically a long, long, long stretch of soft, beige sand..as far as the eyes can see.. combined with aquamarine waters and cool rushing waves.. I had my doubts about visiting Gold Coast because I thought it would be just like any other commercialised beaches.. but even Skeptic Shiela admits that it's beautiful..

3. For the first time in my holiday I experienced the Australian summer..haha.. because in Melbourne and Sydney the weather was like autumn in Europe..brr!

Aside from those, Australia has unexpectedly diverse and great food.. Arguably better than Singapore.. According to a friend from Melbourne who've stayed in Singapore, it's because a lot of immigrants who come to Australia open eateries, and do all the cooking and serving themselves.. True enough, when we went to Korean restaurants, all the waitresses are Koreans.. Vietnamese restaurants = Vietnamese waitresses, sushi outlets = Japanese cooks and waitresses.. This is where Australia wins hands down, since in Singapore the cooks / staffs who prepare the food will not be the "authentic" nationalities.. Still kinda searching around for authentic 'Australian' fare though.. you have the typical kangaroo burger and steak, crocodile meat, baramundi (a type of fish), and drinks and desserts made from bush plants.. but I think Australian food is not really Australia's selling point..

Brisbane city is very walkable (though hot), and the City Hall - a rather nice building - is now a free museum chronicling Brisbane's history. Now, if you ever go there, I think there's one thing absolutely worth seeing: go to the toilets, because they use huge solid marble slabs as.. the cubicle divider.... Easily one of the most lavish public toilets I've seen!

Suddenly Sydney, and Mom, and Dad..

.....
....
....
...ok, so I've stood in front of the Sydney Opera House.. and only then did I truly appreciate what a piece of engineering marvel that is.... And Sydney does have a very beautiful harbour..

Went inside a rainforest in the Blue Mountains near Sydney. Loved it. Tall fern trees.. Lush moss carpet... And the inside of the forest feels like it's air-conditioned... I think some Singaporeans would kill to have that kind of rainforest weather inside Sg's nature reserves..

Australia.. is nothing like I expected.. Seen the fairy penguins (Penguins are indeed so very bloody cute!!!), seen the fantastic coastline, seen the weird plants and animals, seen the particular style of architecture, seen the clothes people wear on the street, seen the climate... Am considering overstaying and being an illegal immigrant...

Honestly.. I'm still lingering on my memories exploring Melbourne's laneways (Oh yeah, in the great debate of whether Sydney or Melbourne is better, I'm definitely with the Melbournians.. Lots of reasons..)

On another note.. Quite some stuff happened.. Among which was a big row with my parents over issues that kept reappearing, like my backpacking around and how I could never really forgive my mom for all the things she said to me while I was growing up...

I think, I can finally let go of my vengeful feelings that I thought I couldn't help having.. Just feel so relieved now, a lot lighter.. Straightened out a lot of misunderstandings with my parents.. AND secured their blessing to work in any part of the world I choose to. Very glad about that.. It felt bad when I really want to work outside Singapore and my parents can only point out how Singapore is "safe and convenient".

I can't believe my parents thought I'm obsessed *actual word used by them* with dating a European just as a "ticket" to move and live to Europe. It's ridiculous to the point of being funny, if only I can ignore the fact that my own parents thought I'm that scheming....

I can't believe my parents said, " You're our daughter, we will always be here for you.. Even if you are pregnant right now, we will be with you.."

Oh wow... That's very reassuring...

Ah well, they promise to not make ridiculous assumptions anymore, and I'll try to be more open now that I'm not very defensive and hateful towards them.

Hufh, a lot of sorting out. Make no mistake, I still think I'm very, very lucky, at least to have parents that never, ever complain about providing for the kids financially. AND they have provided so much more than enough. They've got lots of good sides, and my promise is that I'll remember more and more of their good sides than their weaknesses as parents.

Ufh, well.. So far this family holiday has been unexpectedly enjoyable... So glad!

On to Brisbane tomorrow!

Melbourne On My Mind

Can't. Get. Enough. Seriously.

The architecture student in me is having the time of her life. Fantastic superimposition of Victorian and modern architecture. Totally cool use of materials. Weird and wonderful forms. Alleys and lanes. Graffiti. Quirky spaces.

Concentrated, and intense.

And not so many people so there's so much space.

Dang staying in Singapore is becoming more and more difficult.

A! AAA!

(image can be found here: http://www.textually.org/textually/archives/images/set3/australia_kangaroo.jpg)

*Australia! Another Adventure Awaits!*

*I just love playing with words starting with the same letter...*

Anyway, will be off to Aussi on 3rd Dec till the 23rd, following the route: Canberra - Melbourne-Sydney - Blue Mountains (maybe) - Brisbane - Gold Coast - Cairns (Great Barrier Reef!). It's a family holiday and I'm the one in charge of planning the route haha.. pretty cool trying to accommodate the whims and fancies of every family member.. Shopping for Mom (and plenty of rest stops..and not too much outdoorsy stuff..), museums and parks for me n Dad (Yay!), weird food for my middle bro (kangaroo and crocodile steaks..), and hot Aussie chicks for the youngest one (though I don't need to plan for this..)

Was thinking of going backpacking alone while waiting for my family to join me in Aussi, but in the end am going first with my youngest bro. Was wondering if it'll be difficult to connect because of our age gap, hadn't talked to him for long, etc, but if these few days serve as an indicator, we'll have a good time talking nonsense =D Actually, am pretty proud for being a big sis that my bros can connect easily with..hahaha..

Some facts I find interesting about Australia...

1. Christmas is in summer.. which is totally a far cry from all the Christmassy stuff I'm accustomed to hearing/ watching.. oh well am gonna do some beach Christmas shots w/ the bro haha..

2. Half of Australia is used for sheep rearing.. somehow now when I see a map of Australia there's a "soundtrack" of sheep bleating in my mind..

3. There's a "flying doctor" service that provide medical care to people living in the Outback.. cuz many people would die, isolated, without this kind of service..

4. Of course, it's home to Sydney Opera House and Federation Square! in fact, I've made a list of all the buildings I want to see, and I'll try to 'tick' everything!

5. The title of Australia's national song, "Waltzing Matilda", is German for 'carrying a backpack'! I thought this is just so cool!

So yeah, am really excited about going there... I think when I stand in front of the Sydney Opera House - such an icon of Australia for architecture students - it'll take me several seconds to really register that I'm standing there.. Just like when I first stood in front of Eiffel..

Strange thing is, what makes it a little less exciting..is the fact that people speak English in Australia hahaha.. somehow, I've come to associate traveling with trying to communicate with people with a different language, and speaking English just doesn't give the same 'kick' hahaha..

Oh well, Aussie here I come!

On Immortality, Ending and Meaning

"Immortality - a fate worse than death."

- Edgar A. Shoaff

As a religious believer, I am taught that immortality, life eternal with God by our side, is something truly desirable, if not the ultimate goal of our worldly life, and death. Well, very nearly in my Christian life, I've been wondering about immortality..

First, I wonder how the meanings of things will change, because I think a lot of events, relationships, things, are given greater meaning precisely because they have an ending. Human lives are so precious because death can take it from us any moment. Marriage is bearable because you know there would be one day you would be separated from your loved one. Beauty is desperately sought for the reason it is elusive and fleeting. Not to mention, a lot of things require very hard work to maintain and wouldn't it be utterly exhausting and meaningless to maintain it eternally? An easy, albeit simplistic, example would be school. Architecture school is great fun, but would I enjoy my time in school as much if I know I'd stay in school forever? Would I even have enough energy to keep up with all that's needed? Ultimately, I'd start taking things for granted, work a lot less, think that there's no point in having school, and generally just won't care about it. Replace school with work, marriage, friendship, life, anything.. and I think the resulting downward slip would be the same.

(Maybe this is why Christians are not supposed to find the meaning of something in itself, but instead something is meaningful because it is done for God. Theoretically, immortality will be great because then we will have all the time in the world to enjoy God. )

Secondly, partly thanks to architectural education, I believe variety is the soul of pleasure, and well.. with immortality, logically it will just be more and more difficult to have variety, and hence, to find pleasure. Again, another simplistic example: I think a lot of people can bear getting married and staying faithful because marriage has a definite *hopefully not too long* time period. I bet if people are immortal, there will be so much higher occurence of affairs simply because.. well.. how does it feel to be with one person for eternity ? Heck, it might even be a world where we have "contract marriages".. *What you want ah? 20 years? 50 years? 5 years?* I wonder..

But hey, I'm confusing the ideal eternal world depicted by my religion with my own imaginings about what it means to be immortal.. I guess my thought is: to handle immortality requires strength of character way beyond what we humans collectively have right now... and so I wonder, how does this "eternity" thing work, anyway? Would God change our character just before we're made immortals? Don't think so. Well then, do we become immortal and keep our human flaws? Hmm... what does it mean to be human anyway when Death no longer holds sway?

Of course, the answer is again, "Trust God", and yeah, I know some would say I shouldn't try to comprehend God's plan with a human's brain.. Then again, this human brain of mine is the only one I have!

Obey the Rules...

On Learning Chinese

"Learning Chinese is a life sentence."

-Daniel Kane, The Chinese Language

Well well. The past week I've been revising what little Chinese I've learnt over the years and started listening to Chinese podcasts.. Motivation? Very, very impure. Unlike English, which I learnt naturally just because I love reading, or French, which I'm learning because it's melodious, my learning Chinese has all to do with bruised pride.

Unlike the major part of my extended family which grew up in a Chinese speaking community, I grew up in such a way that I did not even come into contact with Mandarin until I moved from Java, my birthplace, to Pekanbaru in Sumatra, where my extended family live. Then, the torture began: "Huh? You cannot speak Chinese? But you are Chinese! Such a shame..." "What? You don't know how to call Second-Grand-Uncle or Third-Cousin-in-Law? How could you..." 

Same thing happens when I moved to Singapore, though to be fair people are rather understanding when I tell them I'm from Indonesia and the cruel Suharto regime outlawed speaking Mandarin. Pepper this with stories about unfair treatment of the Chinese in Indonesia and you'll have nods of sympathy and a kind response: "Like that ah.. No wonder lah...." Over the years, various people from various backgrounds has questioned me : "You can't speak Chinese? But you look like Chinese..." which admittedly created a desire to learn Chinese just to stop hearing this kind of comments...

The last straw, though, came not long ago when a lao wai / ang moh / kuai lo / bule friend of mine sms-ed me using Chinese characters... AAAAAAHHHH! That was when the feeling of, "It's now or never.. Either I learn or I lose!" started..

And... it's been pretty fun so far, actually.. The weird thing was that I didn't even realize how much I already know until I started paying attention to people's conversations, TV programmes, podcasts etc.. It's like taking the same bus everyday and never pay attention to the scenery so you don't remember anything consciously.. but when you start trying to recall, then you realize you have actually noticed quite some things..

According to the US language training department for diplomats, though, to attain the minimum diplomatic proficiency level for Western European languages like French or German, one needs 520 hours, while the same level in Chinese needs 2400 hours..

. . . . . . . . 

My life sentence starts now...

On the Pleasure of Living (or rather, the lack of..)

"...every minute here is a real pleasure to live, what else could I ask for?"

- P, on living in China

"And in the end, it's not the years of your life that counts, it's the life in your years."

- Abraham Lincoln

Was chatting with a friend when he uttered this kinda deep words.. first reaction: "Dang lucky b*st**d..", second reaction: "Uhm.. when was the last time I felt like that?"

Thankfully after a short reflection I could say that just recently I felt that I really love living, when I was in the midst of my  Malaysian kakis, just cooking, laughing, teasing each other. Nothing like a great meal amongst great friends to bring some joy. 

Thinking further, though, made me realize that I get no pleasure from living in Singapore.. Hufh.. It's not about school, or friends, or food.. Mind you, I have no complaints for that.. It's just the place itself, the physical environment, that I find no  joy in.. When was the last time I went to a place in Singapore and really went "Wow..."? Is there any place here I come back to again, again and again and still enamores me? I find no new experience in this place I'm living in, and that's just why I desperately need to escape into different worlds inside the books I read..

Maybe it's cuz I've been here too long.. Maybe it's my own fault. When I first came here, I thought a lot of positive things.. I could explore anywhere I want late into the night because Singapore's so safe.. I could read as much as I want because of its fantastic libraries.. I could spend so much time daydreaming in the Botanic Gardens.. I could find food from almost anywhere.. But at one point, I just stopped thinking positively because it seemed that I'm trying too hard to make something out of my banal, monotonous life in Singapore..

Maybe it's cuz I've been to many places, started comparing around, and found Singapore wanting.. And over the years, I've come to understand what I'm looking for in LIfe, and safety and convenience are, unfortunately, not my top priorities. (In fact I am somewhat scared that living in Singapore is making me a spoiled brat that cannot survive without air-conditioning.. Clearly something needs to be done...)

In any case, enough moping around. I think one large part of my dissatisfaction also is because I just stop doing things that I enjoy or find meaningful - long walks, teaching english, volunteering, reading children stories - for the silly reason that "I don't have time.."

Isn't it funny how we always seem to end up doing the urgent things, the "need-to-be-done" things, instead of the  important and enjoyable things? So, let's start from there!

Dear reader, can you honestly say to yourself that right now it is a pleasure to live? If not, well, start living, because, as Benjamin Franklin said:

"Dost thou love Life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff Life is made of."

P.S. The weird thing is, I have always had this sense that my life in Singapore is just a preparation for something else, somewhere else.. 8 years in this little island, becoming a permanent resident along the way, and I still cannot shake the feeling that I don't belong here, though Singapore's been nothing but good to me..

Hmmmm.....

Mu....

Weirdest email I've got ever, tt I've promised the sender I will put here =D

Mengepak Barang

Shiela.. tidak merasa bahwa dia memiliki terlalu banyak buku. Tumpukan kardus berkata lain.

On Freud

*while randomly browsing books with a friend*

Me: "Ah, a book on Sigmund Freud.. It's pretty cool how he is convinced that everything has its roots in agression and sex.. And if anything goes wrong: "You are sexually repressed!"

J: "Yea his theories are pretty sick actually.. like the one where you're supposed to want to have sex with your mom.."

Me: "Ah, Oedipus complex.."

J: "My psychology friend told me this joke, "I read Freud and I thought his Oedipus theory is bullshit.. until I saw a picture of his mom.."

Me: ". . . . . ."

The Remote Control Theory

I can't help but think that liking someone is like giving them a remote control to control your mood and emotions.. It's up to them to press "happy" or "sad" or "pissed" or "turn volume down" or "be completely hopelessly utterly undignified"... Haih..

And yeah, sometimes we voluntarily hand over our remote control to someone special.. We push it into their hands, even, because they seem to just press "happy"for us  all the time.. Then comes the days when that person, wittingly or unwittingly, seems to press "sad" or "nervous" over and over.. And damn we wish like mad the remote control is back with us, safely tucked away no one can touch it..

Of course, we also hold other people's remotes.. and unconsciously or even manipulatively press on the buttons.. Sometimes, because other people pressed our buttons and hurt us, we have to make ourselves feel better by pressing on those little poor remotes in our possession, hurting others in turn..

Well, after some time, some people get fed up of the existence of these remote controls.. fed up of the fact that they are so easily brought down to their knees by other people.. So, they lock them and never give them away to anyone, giving the impression that they are special beings for whom no remote control was ever created.. Others, just get more and more immune to the buttons, more and more resistant to hurts, but more and more resistant to trust as well.. Still others, are the lucky fellows who found someone more than worthy to safe keep their remote controls, a person who will never, ever intentionally push the little dials to hurt them..

Hm... Actually, after thinking of this analogy, I can't help having an image in my mind of a guy kneeling down, proposing marriage, but handing out not a ring but a small remote control in his hand, saying, "I give the control of my moods, my emotions, my thoughts, my life to you.. You can break or make my day.. Please be careful with this enormous power..." 

And when I see couples walking together in jeans, holding hands, I can't help but notice the remote controls sticking out of their back pockets, snug testaments of what they trusted to each other's care.. And can't help thinking that for some wives, their husbands have given their remote controls to someone else long ago, but she doesn't realize it, or vice versa..

Hufh, to be independent and self-controlled, or to be open and vulnerable.. The choices aren't that great, ain't it?

*Dear readers please pardon the rather depressing tone.. As always, blame it on the rain..*

Friday the 13th (Post Submission Rant)

Actually, this post is just for the sake of posting something when it's Friday the 13th hahaha.. n gotta say it's been a slow, lazy Friday with this constant rain.. Haih.. Had 2 major tests today, and yesterday was submission cum final presentation..and so... VIRTUAL FREEDOM! WOOH!

Gotta say am pretty satisfied with this semester.. I didn't know how I managed to finish it also, doing studio, ArchiTours, learning such different modules as french, management and landscape history (have to switch to different ways of thinking for each assignment huhu..), on top of being emotionally unstable haha.. (mentally sound still, though, in case you're wondering..) And then still having time to finish reading some comics *all available 471 chapters of Naruto wooh!), listened to french podcasts, recover some piano playing skills after not playing for about one year, pester the Malaysians, and.... do house chores huhu.. I know i shouldn't be proud of the fact that I had to do laundry, washing, room cleaning, some cooking etc on my own since it's normal for most people, but let's just say I've been pretty spoiled so far n am glad that I proved to myself I can still produce quite a lot for studio while doing normal chores haha..

Oh wow.. really, I feel that I should increase even more my efficiency next year haha.. *cross finger that I won't become even more emotionally unstable* and actually, the fact that I'm heck busy for some time prevented me from being too mellow and emotional, which is very, very lucky. Didn't read much tho.. not even landscape or archi books.. I don't think I can read much during the holidays also due to the hectic travel plans..

Ah heck, am gonna curl up in bed after this, enjoying the rainy atmosphere, and finish reading the adventures of Becky Sharp in Vanity Fair...

The world is a looking-glass, and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face. Frown at it, and it will in turn look sourly upon you; laugh at it and with it, and it is a jolly kind companion; and so let all young persons take their choice.

- Vanity Fair

Long Live L

"I just can't sit any other way than this. If I sit the way other people do, my reasoning ability drops by 40%."

- L, Death Note

__

Coolest anime character yet invented..

It rains...

...and following my custom rain always mellows me out a bit..hahaha.. and I just found a youtube video of a favorite song during my "I-don't-believe-in-dating-at-all" phase (Wonder what my past self would've said if she had a chance to talk with my current self hahaha...)

Anyway, here it is.. Aah, the good old days when I was a naive romantic...

Maybe Tomorrow - Nouveaux

The heavens paint a silent symphony
As Orion shines for me
Are you there feeling the same as I
Whispering love songs to the lonely sky
And though I don't know where you are
I know you must be there
So for now I'll lay me down to sleep
And dream and maybe tomorrow

I'll kiss the air that covers you -
I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
I'll hold you safely in my arms -
Maybe tomorrow you'll be mine

I said a prayer for you today
May troubles be far away
And I'll be here on bended knee
Until the day you say you'll marry me
And though I don't know who you are
I know you're beautiful
So for now I'll lay me down to sleep
And dream and maybe tomorrow

I'll kiss the air that covers you -
I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
I'll hold you safely in my arms -
Maybe tomorrow you'll be mine

I'll be waiting patiently - promise you will wait for me
No one else to hold on to - until I'm holding you
I'll kiss the air that covers you -
I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
I'll hold you safely in my arms -
Maybe tomorrow

I'll love you more than life itself -
I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
I'll hold you safely in my arms -
Maybe tomorrow . . .

____

Hufh.. the notion of waiting for just one person, never knowing when you'll meet that person.. I remember the disbelief in someone's face, the ensuing ridiculously funny conversation.. the resulting things that follow and the ironic way it makes me think about this whole notion of not dating but just waiting.. Oh the irony.. but I've thought enough about that! =)

Read somewhere that love is like a car crash.. you never know when you're gonna get hit (and whether you'll recover with just a scar, or you'll suffer life threatening injuries, or you just become a hopeless case...huhu..). In my view, an appropriate comparison ;p

Ah well, these rainy days.. Love watching the droplets fall outside the window.. Not to mention the clear and humid air that follows after...

"The best thing we can do when it's raining is to let it rain."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Percakapan Aneh

3:21 PM me: pat pat bagaimanakah kabarmu? hahahah

  ud lama g liat / ngomong

3:22 PM pat: papapapaaaatt

3:23 PM me: hahahaha

 pat: malah manggil nama sndr

  mama

  hahaha

 me: apaan coba panggil2 nama sendiri...

 pat: apa kabar you

 me: kabar i baik lah

  baru selesai semua tugas2 penting i

 pat: kabar i baik jg

  cuma aga malas i

 me: sementara ini i bisa istirahat haha

 pat: wah

  asik dong you

 me: hahahahha jangan malas lah you

3:24 PM tugas final mana pulak boleh malas..betul tak..

  yah asik lah... tapi minggu depan pun i kena work i punya ass off lagi

 pat: zoo bad

3:25 PM tapi paling sedikit you tidak usah kerja kat christmas

  apa sih

  ini bahasa ga jelas

  hahaha

 me: hahahah tak lah

  ini bahasa anak muda lah

  macam kita2 inilah, you tau

  hahahahaha

3:26 PM pat: yooohoooo

  knapa ga dateng pestanya riaaa

 me: ah itu, hari itu i masih sibuk lah..

  tugas tugas i baru selesai kemarin lah...

  seronok kah pestanya?

 pat: kaki i bedarah2 cos of that pest hahahha

3:27 PM me: i yakin pasti seronok lah ya...

 pat: lmyn bererti

  lol

 me: hah serius???? you buat apa dalam itu pesta?

 pat: bukan i lah

 me: you kick semua orang kah?

 pat: oh

 me: ah, i tau

 pat: bedarah cos kaki i terlalu besar lah buat sepatu i

  zzz...

 me: i kena masukkan ini conversation ke dalam blog i lah..

  terlalu aneh lah ini hahaha..

3:30 PM pat: TIZAAAAAKKKK

  MALU MALUKAN SAYA

3:31 PM me: hahahahaha

3:32 PM tak usah malu lah... memang you punya reputasi sebagai orang aneh kan..

  (i juga, actually...)

3:33 PM pat: huaaa

3:34 PM kamu jgn drag i ke zalam your type

 me: apa ini!!!?? maksud you apa my tipe??!!

  tipe tipe i ini sama lah dengan tipe you!

3:35 PM you jangan tipu tipu i lah soal tipe tipe!

 pat: asssishhshahf

 me: hahahaha itu mantra kah?

  pengusir setan bandel macam i? ;p

3:36 PM pat: iyaah

  benar

  hgawiheauehfaiuehf

  you gila ya

  ngapain di rumah

  arkitektur bikin orang gila

  ck ck ck

 me: belajar lah... i kena improve i punya bahasa perancis..

3:37 PM i totally ignore i punya pe-er waktu i buat tugas arsitektur hahaha

  arsitektur itu, memanglah membuat orang gila.. macam kalau sedang dimabuk cinta lah hahaha... gila yang nikmat ;p

 pat: iiiishhhhhh

3:38 PM tidak mabuk cinta

  so how your bahasa prancis

 me: hahaha bolehlah... kalau untuk ngeceng saja cukuplah hahaha

  ngeceng = ngelamun sambil cengengesan ;p

 pat: buat ngmg cepet2 hahahah

3:39 PM me: hahaha...

  hey ok ok, i kena teruskan kerja i punya pe-er lah..

  you pun, banyak pekerjaan kan?

 pat: banyak sekali ni

  tapi malah karaoke westlife

  perlu ganti roommate

 me: ...... i punya screw a bit loose lah!

  salam i buat erlin ahhahahahaha

3:40 PM dan selamat berkaraoke lah hahaha

  ah, i maksud, you punya screw a bit loose hahaha

 pat: walaw

  suddenly talk screw screw

  bikin takut

  hahaha

  oka okya

 me: hahaha

On Gays

"In more than 70 countries, same sex relationships are illegal. In 9 countries, the penalty is death."

- 50 Facts That Should Change The World, Jessica Williams

Have always wondered whether gays are gays by Nature or nurture.. Which I think for me is a big deal because as a Christian I'm supposed to believe that being  gay is a sin (As it is, I don't have any opinion on it now and am still researching further) Well, if the tendency to be gay is innate, inborn in some humans and then the creator of those humans declare that THEY are wrong... that's a pretty screwed-up system.. That said, some gay Christians believe that being gay AND struggling against their tendencies is a worthy enough calling. (Might not seem to make sense, but maybe it's kinda the same way that normal guys don't just go and touch every girl they find attractive and this very self control, against something which is a natural, inborn tendency, makes them nobler members of society. )

Coming across the article by Jessica Williams, though, made me think. If you can find gays in Iran, in countries where it really is not just frowned upon but viewed as despicable.. then maybe it is Nature after all.. because the society itself does not nurture people to be gay, and if anything, it discourages it - with a  death penalty, no less - and you can still find gays.. Well... Who'd wanna be gay for the heck of it, for experimentation, for fun etc if one gets punished so much by it? So the logical conclusion is that gay people, at least some, don't have a choice regarding their sexual orientation.

Oh well. I wonder. Through all the "researching" I've done, there are actually quite a lot of stands regarding this amongst Christian communities. Some argue that the Bible does not actually say homosexuality is wrong, but was interpreted that way. Some are sure that homosexuality is a sin. Some separates homosexual acts of immorality and homosexuals faithful to one partner just like in a marriage....

Oh well....

"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother."

- Charles Peirce

"Why is it that as a society, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?"

- Ernest Gaines

The Sacrednes of School

D: "Looking back at the last three years worrying so much definitely wasn't necessary.. Architecture's so much easier than we think at uni.."

Me: "You know the definitive point where I just stopped worrying about architecture school? It's when we went to watch "We Will Rock You" at the eve of submission ;p It just totally destroyed the sacredness of submission hahaha... to good effect ;p "

D: "Ye.. tho it didn't seem like it at the time.. I think it was the best idea we had! "

Me: "Tho technically it wasn't an idea.. but I just forgot when exactly was submission when we booked the thing..."

D: "Idea.. mistake.. same thing.."

____

Until I was in secondary school, and even early in junior college, school was somewhat "sacred".. Skipping school was a big occasion, and I probably got the same kick out of it as other adrenaline-pumping activities.. Wonder if it's just in my family, because my parents conditioned my that skipping school is bad from early on... Or whether it's generally like that when we were young? To be fair, my parents just didn't want me to be a bad example for my brothers, and when I was in Singapore without them, they allowed me to skip when I was just fed up with classes.. (I was thinking things like, "What's the point of being smart if I have to do the same amount of school work as other people?" Yeah.. arrogant nerd to the max.. )

University.. is a different matter altogether.. To come to school because I want it and because I love it is a great feeling, but consequently when I don't feel like it, well.. no school for that day hehehe... That aside, being in archi there's just a culture of almost everyone skipping class as submission is nearing.. 

Wonder if it's a dangerous mentality if now for me skipping class is really no big deal.. 

Mom (to youngest bro) : "We just came from this activity that your sis organised, ArchiTours.. It was nice.. you know, you should get involved in more activities outside school, it will be good for you.."

Youngest bro: "Yeah mom, in fact, I'm involved in this activity called Prom Nite.."

Mom: "Oh? Prom nite? What is that?"

Youngest bro: "Uhm, you can just ask sis.. but it requires me to go with a girl..."

Mom: "?????"

__

Me: "Whoa, so you're here and he's in your home country?"

A: "Yeah.. and I just get used to life without him, you know.. even though we're in a relationship.. but then I'll go back, and meet him, and again tell myself, "I want this..I want this relationship.."

__

"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our Hell."

- Oscar Wilde

"If you're going through Hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill

After running the first day of ArchiTours in which there were a monumental number of glitches and obstacles,

Me: "Oh man...Hufh...I think I just used up my quota of bad luck for the next ten years..."

J: "Hate to tell you this, but there's no such thing as a quota for bad luck.."

Me: "Shucks...I guess you're right..."

____

ZF: "You know about Tsinghua university in Beijing?"

Me: "Yeah, why?"

ZF: "My friend is from there, and he told me, in Tsinghua, because people are so busy and don't really take care of themselves, the females look like males, and the males don't look like human beings..."

Me: "Whoa...."

(I have yet to clarify this with other Chinese friends..)

Am officially in deep shit. Let's see how the week unfolds and hopefully I'm in one piece by the end of it.

Amen.

Hittin' On Girls..

Was taking the MRT to Chinatown today to meet up with a building manager for ArchiTours ( http://www.archifest.sg/index.php/humanity/event/architours/tour/ ) *no harm in a bit of advertising ;p * and was just sitting 2 seats away from an office lady when this French guy came in.. The compartment was kinda empty so I was able to hear their conversation...

Suspicious-looking French Guy: *to office lady* "Hi, you're going to work?" *knew right away that he was French due to the cutely accented English...*

Office Lady: "Uhm...ya.."

SFG: "Yeah me too... I work in Tanjong Pagar, you know... bla bla bla..."

*SFG proceeded with the small talk, and OL was kinda confused but still answering..and then..*

SFG: "May I know what is your name?"

OL: "Crystal"

SFG: "Hi Crystal.. nice to meet you.. do you think we can meet again?"

OL: "Uhm... sorry but I'm not good at making friends..." *weird answer! which shows the lady was bloody nervous..*

SFG: "Oh, it's ok.... But you know, we only live once..."

___

At this point I had to go down from the MRT...but it was bizarre! Who uses pick-up lines like "We only live once"... Especially since the guy was French, I expected something better hahaha...

It makes me think of the difference between Asian and Western culture again... I kind of pity the lady actually, it was clear she was very uncomfortable, and in my head I was like, "Whoa dude.. you're doing irreparrable damage there...Easy, man..."

Wonder if it's just a coincidence that in French, the phrase "hitting on" someone means sleeping with them hahaha... Well, just wondering.... 

500 Days of Summer, and The One

"The girl of my dreams... has.. you know....big boobs...and like sports better, and be a little hotter..and has a slightly different hairstyle... but Robin.. she's better than the girl of my dreams.. she's real.."

- Paul, 500 days of Summer

*A pretty funny movie - granted it's romantic comedy - where the main character is an architect wannabe that wants to be an architect... and the movie portrays quite well someone who is fascinated with buildings hahaha.. I think that is reason enough to watch it!*

___

And below, a short excerpt of the interview with the director:

Cinematical: There's a terrific scene in the film where a character says, "just because someone likes the same thing that another person likes, it doesn't mean that they're your soul mate." For you, what is it that you think these two people really share or what connects them that either the audience will recognize, or at least Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character responds so strongly to?

Webb: Well, I think that they're both young, they're both single, they're in this work environment where they spend a lot of time with each other, and when you mix that together and they're both attractive people, what else is going to happen? Romance grows from that, from proximity, and he may construe these things as destiny or fate or whatever, but the truth is, I suppose, that it's not uncommon for people to have similar interests, and how much you weigh that is really up to you. My feeling is that Tom reads too much into it.

___

The movie plays with the concept of "The One".. Something that I'm still pretty sure I don't believe in..  Maybe "The One" doesn't mean your soulmate, someone destined to be with you, not even someone that has so many similar interests with you.. "The One" just means someone you really really really want... you want them so much you can't see anyone else beside them, and that's when they become "The One".... Haaaa.... I'm still pretty good at being pseudo-profound, after all hahahaha....

On Hell and Pigs..

Me: "I just read a book today, The Gargoyle, and inside there's this Icelandic character that talks about Icelandic Hell...and the concept is that Hell is bloody cold.. It just struck me as pretty cool.. Maybe if you've spent your whole life in bloody cold weather then a hot hell doesn't seem so scary after all hahaha..."

D: "Surely the whole heat thing in Hell is allegorical.. so yeah.. guess wherever you consider your worst nightmare should be hell.. It's also permanently dark for Icelanders, cuz a friend who went to norway said he became very depressed there because it's so dark.. Maybe it's the same in Iceland.."

Me: "If there's a hell what would yours be like?"

D: "Good question.."

Me: "Mine..hmm... without books at all, no musical instrument, no way of entertaining myself.. I'd go nuts with boredom, except I can't go nuts because it's hell.."

D: "and maybe there should be a permanently empty fridge.."

Me: "Just to torment me further... ok I guess it is the common idea of hell.."

D: "Have you ever seen those videos of pigs in pig sheds?"

Me: "Just photos, and read about it.why?"

D: "They have no stimulation at all cuz they're in the same pen all their life and they just go insane from boredom.."

Me: "WHOA REALLY???"

D: "They start chewing on the metal bars to get some sort of stimulation...."

____

Most enlightening conversation I had today... Am just thankful I don't believe in the Buddhist concept of karma because right now I would be dreading being born as a farmed pig in my next life huhuhu..

On (What Else) Studying Architecture...

"Architects are late bloomers. Most architects do not hit their professional stride until around age 50! There is perhaps no other profession that requires one to integrate such a broad range of knowledge into something so specific and concrete. An architect must be knowledgeable in history, art, sociology, physics, psychology, materiality, symbology,political process, and innumerable other fields, and must create a building that meets regulatory codes, keeps out the weather, withstands earthquakes, has functioning elevators and mechanical systems, and meets the complex functional and emotional needs of its users. Learning to integrate so many concerns into a cohesive product takes a long time, with lots of trial and error along the way. If you're going to be in the field of architecture, be in it for the long haul. It's worth it."

- Matthew Frederick, 101 Things I Learnt in Architecture School

Hit by sudden realization that I'm on my 4th year and I'm only gonna be in school for another 2 years or even less.. Suddenly sad.. Nooooooo...... Hiks... Whichever way I look at it, the climate in architecture school makes me express myself everyday, think about new inventions, learn so many interesting things.. I'm gonna miss it badly.. (sudden determination to maximize my remaining time in school.. Uoooh!!) Remembering all my fantasy projects and larger-than-life concepts.. I don't think at any point in my future life I'll be encouraged to think of bizarre, bizarre ideas and then just playing, trying to make them work... Haih... Plus, am in landscape now.. and though I feel that I can make a real difference more by becoming a landscape architect, I kinda miss struggling with all the complexities of designing a building...

And.... kinda feel like I haven't learn much during these 3 years in archi.. Well ok I learnt much, but not enough.. Not in a "real-life architecture" way.. The quote above calms me down a bit, actually, because well, if most architects don't hit their professional stride until 50, then I have hope.. (Though am wondering whether, after surrendering my youth to archi, now I have to surrender my middle-age period as well.. Hmm...) Oh wow... Now wondering when I'll have my first design built, and what will it be.. Hahaha.. 

Whatever it is... I love archi! =)