On Immortality, Ending and Meaning

"Immortality - a fate worse than death."

- Edgar A. Shoaff

As a religious believer, I am taught that immortality, life eternal with God by our side, is something truly desirable, if not the ultimate goal of our worldly life, and death. Well, very nearly in my Christian life, I've been wondering about immortality..

First, I wonder how the meanings of things will change, because I think a lot of events, relationships, things, are given greater meaning precisely because they have an ending. Human lives are so precious because death can take it from us any moment. Marriage is bearable because you know there would be one day you would be separated from your loved one. Beauty is desperately sought for the reason it is elusive and fleeting. Not to mention, a lot of things require very hard work to maintain and wouldn't it be utterly exhausting and meaningless to maintain it eternally? An easy, albeit simplistic, example would be school. Architecture school is great fun, but would I enjoy my time in school as much if I know I'd stay in school forever? Would I even have enough energy to keep up with all that's needed? Ultimately, I'd start taking things for granted, work a lot less, think that there's no point in having school, and generally just won't care about it. Replace school with work, marriage, friendship, life, anything.. and I think the resulting downward slip would be the same.

(Maybe this is why Christians are not supposed to find the meaning of something in itself, but instead something is meaningful because it is done for God. Theoretically, immortality will be great because then we will have all the time in the world to enjoy God. )

Secondly, partly thanks to architectural education, I believe variety is the soul of pleasure, and well.. with immortality, logically it will just be more and more difficult to have variety, and hence, to find pleasure. Again, another simplistic example: I think a lot of people can bear getting married and staying faithful because marriage has a definite *hopefully not too long* time period. I bet if people are immortal, there will be so much higher occurence of affairs simply because.. well.. how does it feel to be with one person for eternity ? Heck, it might even be a world where we have "contract marriages".. *What you want ah? 20 years? 50 years? 5 years?* I wonder..

But hey, I'm confusing the ideal eternal world depicted by my religion with my own imaginings about what it means to be immortal.. I guess my thought is: to handle immortality requires strength of character way beyond what we humans collectively have right now... and so I wonder, how does this "eternity" thing work, anyway? Would God change our character just before we're made immortals? Don't think so. Well then, do we become immortal and keep our human flaws? Hmm... what does it mean to be human anyway when Death no longer holds sway?

Of course, the answer is again, "Trust God", and yeah, I know some would say I shouldn't try to comprehend God's plan with a human's brain.. Then again, this human brain of mine is the only one I have!

Obey the Rules...

On Learning Chinese

"Learning Chinese is a life sentence."

-Daniel Kane, The Chinese Language

Well well. The past week I've been revising what little Chinese I've learnt over the years and started listening to Chinese podcasts.. Motivation? Very, very impure. Unlike English, which I learnt naturally just because I love reading, or French, which I'm learning because it's melodious, my learning Chinese has all to do with bruised pride.

Unlike the major part of my extended family which grew up in a Chinese speaking community, I grew up in such a way that I did not even come into contact with Mandarin until I moved from Java, my birthplace, to Pekanbaru in Sumatra, where my extended family live. Then, the torture began: "Huh? You cannot speak Chinese? But you are Chinese! Such a shame..." "What? You don't know how to call Second-Grand-Uncle or Third-Cousin-in-Law? How could you..." 

Same thing happens when I moved to Singapore, though to be fair people are rather understanding when I tell them I'm from Indonesia and the cruel Suharto regime outlawed speaking Mandarin. Pepper this with stories about unfair treatment of the Chinese in Indonesia and you'll have nods of sympathy and a kind response: "Like that ah.. No wonder lah...." Over the years, various people from various backgrounds has questioned me : "You can't speak Chinese? But you look like Chinese..." which admittedly created a desire to learn Chinese just to stop hearing this kind of comments...

The last straw, though, came not long ago when a lao wai / ang moh / kuai lo / bule friend of mine sms-ed me using Chinese characters... AAAAAAHHHH! That was when the feeling of, "It's now or never.. Either I learn or I lose!" started..

And... it's been pretty fun so far, actually.. The weird thing was that I didn't even realize how much I already know until I started paying attention to people's conversations, TV programmes, podcasts etc.. It's like taking the same bus everyday and never pay attention to the scenery so you don't remember anything consciously.. but when you start trying to recall, then you realize you have actually noticed quite some things..

According to the US language training department for diplomats, though, to attain the minimum diplomatic proficiency level for Western European languages like French or German, one needs 520 hours, while the same level in Chinese needs 2400 hours..

. . . . . . . . 

My life sentence starts now...

On the Pleasure of Living (or rather, the lack of..)

"...every minute here is a real pleasure to live, what else could I ask for?"

- P, on living in China

"And in the end, it's not the years of your life that counts, it's the life in your years."

- Abraham Lincoln

Was chatting with a friend when he uttered this kinda deep words.. first reaction: "Dang lucky b*st**d..", second reaction: "Uhm.. when was the last time I felt like that?"

Thankfully after a short reflection I could say that just recently I felt that I really love living, when I was in the midst of my  Malaysian kakis, just cooking, laughing, teasing each other. Nothing like a great meal amongst great friends to bring some joy. 

Thinking further, though, made me realize that I get no pleasure from living in Singapore.. Hufh.. It's not about school, or friends, or food.. Mind you, I have no complaints for that.. It's just the place itself, the physical environment, that I find no  joy in.. When was the last time I went to a place in Singapore and really went "Wow..."? Is there any place here I come back to again, again and again and still enamores me? I find no new experience in this place I'm living in, and that's just why I desperately need to escape into different worlds inside the books I read..

Maybe it's cuz I've been here too long.. Maybe it's my own fault. When I first came here, I thought a lot of positive things.. I could explore anywhere I want late into the night because Singapore's so safe.. I could read as much as I want because of its fantastic libraries.. I could spend so much time daydreaming in the Botanic Gardens.. I could find food from almost anywhere.. But at one point, I just stopped thinking positively because it seemed that I'm trying too hard to make something out of my banal, monotonous life in Singapore..

Maybe it's cuz I've been to many places, started comparing around, and found Singapore wanting.. And over the years, I've come to understand what I'm looking for in LIfe, and safety and convenience are, unfortunately, not my top priorities. (In fact I am somewhat scared that living in Singapore is making me a spoiled brat that cannot survive without air-conditioning.. Clearly something needs to be done...)

In any case, enough moping around. I think one large part of my dissatisfaction also is because I just stop doing things that I enjoy or find meaningful - long walks, teaching english, volunteering, reading children stories - for the silly reason that "I don't have time.."

Isn't it funny how we always seem to end up doing the urgent things, the "need-to-be-done" things, instead of the  important and enjoyable things? So, let's start from there!

Dear reader, can you honestly say to yourself that right now it is a pleasure to live? If not, well, start living, because, as Benjamin Franklin said:

"Dost thou love Life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff Life is made of."

P.S. The weird thing is, I have always had this sense that my life in Singapore is just a preparation for something else, somewhere else.. 8 years in this little island, becoming a permanent resident along the way, and I still cannot shake the feeling that I don't belong here, though Singapore's been nothing but good to me..

Hmmmm.....

Mu....

Weirdest email I've got ever, tt I've promised the sender I will put here =D

Mengepak Barang

Shiela.. tidak merasa bahwa dia memiliki terlalu banyak buku. Tumpukan kardus berkata lain.

On Freud

*while randomly browsing books with a friend*

Me: "Ah, a book on Sigmund Freud.. It's pretty cool how he is convinced that everything has its roots in agression and sex.. And if anything goes wrong: "You are sexually repressed!"

J: "Yea his theories are pretty sick actually.. like the one where you're supposed to want to have sex with your mom.."

Me: "Ah, Oedipus complex.."

J: "My psychology friend told me this joke, "I read Freud and I thought his Oedipus theory is bullshit.. until I saw a picture of his mom.."

Me: ". . . . . ."

The Remote Control Theory

I can't help but think that liking someone is like giving them a remote control to control your mood and emotions.. It's up to them to press "happy" or "sad" or "pissed" or "turn volume down" or "be completely hopelessly utterly undignified"... Haih..

And yeah, sometimes we voluntarily hand over our remote control to someone special.. We push it into their hands, even, because they seem to just press "happy"for us  all the time.. Then comes the days when that person, wittingly or unwittingly, seems to press "sad" or "nervous" over and over.. And damn we wish like mad the remote control is back with us, safely tucked away no one can touch it..

Of course, we also hold other people's remotes.. and unconsciously or even manipulatively press on the buttons.. Sometimes, because other people pressed our buttons and hurt us, we have to make ourselves feel better by pressing on those little poor remotes in our possession, hurting others in turn..

Well, after some time, some people get fed up of the existence of these remote controls.. fed up of the fact that they are so easily brought down to their knees by other people.. So, they lock them and never give them away to anyone, giving the impression that they are special beings for whom no remote control was ever created.. Others, just get more and more immune to the buttons, more and more resistant to hurts, but more and more resistant to trust as well.. Still others, are the lucky fellows who found someone more than worthy to safe keep their remote controls, a person who will never, ever intentionally push the little dials to hurt them..

Hm... Actually, after thinking of this analogy, I can't help having an image in my mind of a guy kneeling down, proposing marriage, but handing out not a ring but a small remote control in his hand, saying, "I give the control of my moods, my emotions, my thoughts, my life to you.. You can break or make my day.. Please be careful with this enormous power..." 

And when I see couples walking together in jeans, holding hands, I can't help but notice the remote controls sticking out of their back pockets, snug testaments of what they trusted to each other's care.. And can't help thinking that for some wives, their husbands have given their remote controls to someone else long ago, but she doesn't realize it, or vice versa..

Hufh, to be independent and self-controlled, or to be open and vulnerable.. The choices aren't that great, ain't it?

*Dear readers please pardon the rather depressing tone.. As always, blame it on the rain..*

Friday the 13th (Post Submission Rant)

Actually, this post is just for the sake of posting something when it's Friday the 13th hahaha.. n gotta say it's been a slow, lazy Friday with this constant rain.. Haih.. Had 2 major tests today, and yesterday was submission cum final presentation..and so... VIRTUAL FREEDOM! WOOH!

Gotta say am pretty satisfied with this semester.. I didn't know how I managed to finish it also, doing studio, ArchiTours, learning such different modules as french, management and landscape history (have to switch to different ways of thinking for each assignment huhu..), on top of being emotionally unstable haha.. (mentally sound still, though, in case you're wondering..) And then still having time to finish reading some comics *all available 471 chapters of Naruto wooh!), listened to french podcasts, recover some piano playing skills after not playing for about one year, pester the Malaysians, and.... do house chores huhu.. I know i shouldn't be proud of the fact that I had to do laundry, washing, room cleaning, some cooking etc on my own since it's normal for most people, but let's just say I've been pretty spoiled so far n am glad that I proved to myself I can still produce quite a lot for studio while doing normal chores haha..

Oh wow.. really, I feel that I should increase even more my efficiency next year haha.. *cross finger that I won't become even more emotionally unstable* and actually, the fact that I'm heck busy for some time prevented me from being too mellow and emotional, which is very, very lucky. Didn't read much tho.. not even landscape or archi books.. I don't think I can read much during the holidays also due to the hectic travel plans..

Ah heck, am gonna curl up in bed after this, enjoying the rainy atmosphere, and finish reading the adventures of Becky Sharp in Vanity Fair...

The world is a looking-glass, and gives back to every man the reflection of his own face. Frown at it, and it will in turn look sourly upon you; laugh at it and with it, and it is a jolly kind companion; and so let all young persons take their choice.

- Vanity Fair

Long Live L

"I just can't sit any other way than this. If I sit the way other people do, my reasoning ability drops by 40%."

- L, Death Note

__

Coolest anime character yet invented..

It rains...

...and following my custom rain always mellows me out a bit..hahaha.. and I just found a youtube video of a favorite song during my "I-don't-believe-in-dating-at-all" phase (Wonder what my past self would've said if she had a chance to talk with my current self hahaha...)

Anyway, here it is.. Aah, the good old days when I was a naive romantic...

Maybe Tomorrow - Nouveaux

The heavens paint a silent symphony
As Orion shines for me
Are you there feeling the same as I
Whispering love songs to the lonely sky
And though I don't know where you are
I know you must be there
So for now I'll lay me down to sleep
And dream and maybe tomorrow

I'll kiss the air that covers you -
I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
I'll hold you safely in my arms -
Maybe tomorrow you'll be mine

I said a prayer for you today
May troubles be far away
And I'll be here on bended knee
Until the day you say you'll marry me
And though I don't know who you are
I know you're beautiful
So for now I'll lay me down to sleep
And dream and maybe tomorrow

I'll kiss the air that covers you -
I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
I'll hold you safely in my arms -
Maybe tomorrow you'll be mine

I'll be waiting patiently - promise you will wait for me
No one else to hold on to - until I'm holding you
I'll kiss the air that covers you -
I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
I'll hold you safely in my arms -
Maybe tomorrow

I'll love you more than life itself -
I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
I'll hold you safely in my arms -
Maybe tomorrow . . .

____

Hufh.. the notion of waiting for just one person, never knowing when you'll meet that person.. I remember the disbelief in someone's face, the ensuing ridiculously funny conversation.. the resulting things that follow and the ironic way it makes me think about this whole notion of not dating but just waiting.. Oh the irony.. but I've thought enough about that! =)

Read somewhere that love is like a car crash.. you never know when you're gonna get hit (and whether you'll recover with just a scar, or you'll suffer life threatening injuries, or you just become a hopeless case...huhu..). In my view, an appropriate comparison ;p

Ah well, these rainy days.. Love watching the droplets fall outside the window.. Not to mention the clear and humid air that follows after...

"The best thing we can do when it's raining is to let it rain."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow