On Boundaries

"Boundaries don't keep people out. They fence you in."
-Meredith Grey

Incidentally, before deciding to write this post I had to think of whether writing about my relationship would cross my own personal boundaries.. After all, the more precious something is to me, the more I try to cherish and keep it private *not always successful especially in the times I'm giddy with happiness >< *. In the end though, I decide that since a fair portion of my thoughts these days is about relationships, since most of my growth right now happens in the context of my own relationship and since this space exist to chronicle my thoughts and growth.. I feel the need to write, even if it is indeed more personal than my usual musings.

Boundaries.. Where does the pure, solid 'I' with my own opinions, dreams, quirks and needs stand, and the part of me who wants to please another person begins? Even as a fiercely independent person wary of needing too much of a man, of being 'owned' by him, of giving myself away just to be taken for granted by another, I know I *and every other girl with a guy to adore, I assume* tend to want to give, give, give to the person I care about. This is where the boundary problem starts, because sometimes we give too much of our time, our energy, our thoughts, our sacrifices, into a relationship and ends up feeling "Who am I? Am I my own person still or am I just a spineless existence who have sacrificed too much for another?'.. As if there's a hole in the fence around me that defines 'me' and then parts of another person comes in and invades our protected territory.

And the best part? Realized over the years that my sense of self can only be invaded if I allow it, and the negative feelings I have towards others due to boundary problems is my own responsibility. Gawd, the ways I've allowed other people to invade in! *okay actually not that bad, but things like resentment towards my mom because I allowed her opinions to affect me too much did make my life miserable for some time*

These musings come.. as I'm in that stage of the relationship where we're exploring one another's interests, and yes, I realize I'm spending a lot of time discovering what matters to him, and wanting to be good in skills I know would please him. *no, not the Kamasutra, mind you* What with my tendency to single-mindedly pursue new things and natural curiousity to learn and do as much as I can, I've had to step back and see if things I've discovered through him has become my own interest, or if they still still are 'his'.

And if they are still 'his', then I have to keep myself from spending too much time and focus on them. *Since time and focus are limited resources, and dang I need them especially in this final semester!*

Why all the trouble to do something that seems so cold and selfish as maintaining a strong 'me'-ness when the emphasis in a relationship should be of 'us'? Because I believe without two clearly defined, strong 'me's, there won't be a strong, healthy 'us'.. Recalled a conversation with a girl friend where she said she felt like people know her more for being *****'s girlfriend than for being her own self.. That.. ranks rather high in my list of mortal fears in Life... ><

On the end note, though, I have to say there isn't anything quite as liberating as being in a relationship where you're allowed, cherished even, for being yourself.. There isn't a surprise quite like the happy surprise when you discover that your boundaries and his fits quite nicely in some parts... and there is no other kind of vulnerability so tender, so precious, so beautiful as when you are allowed to cross the self-defining boundaries of another, knowing how special a privilege it is to be trusted as such.