"Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not, 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer."
-A Grief Observed, C.S Lewis
I don't really know how to write, or to even start writing...but I feel I must, or the thoughts in my head would seem bigger, more complex, more formidable than they actually are.
These past three days I've been talking to several people -old friends, acquaintances, even a stranger - about beliefs,doubts and what to do with them. . . .and it has brought me new focus, and new determination to get to the bottom of this thing people call "religion".
Somehow nowadays not many people, even believers themselves, want to talk about "religion". Most just call it "spirituality". For me, well, nothing wrong with admitting I have a religion, Christianity. But what would this religion mean to me? It would mean, above all, the pursuit of Truth. People can say, "Religion comforts me when I am sad", or "It gives me strength" or "It makes me a better person", but if one does not believe every aspect of religion is Truth, and hence worth believing, then what use is having comfort, or strength? I could very easily tell a lot of white lies that make someone more confident, feel better about themselves, but that doesn't change the fact that what I say are just lies. Something could be really good, but still not TRUE. On the contrary, if right now the sky becomes dark with flashes of lightning, and people started getting killed everywhere by lightning strikes and everywhere stars gather in the sky and form the words "Earthlings behold, God is here", we would have to believe that there is a God even if it's a God who kills with lightning strikes. . Truth doesn't become any less true just because it is brutal or bad.
I used to believe that Christianity is true based on personal experience. . ."I used to be selfish but now I'm not. . ", "I'm much more forgiving, much less inclined to hate. . " , "God was there in so many difficult situations.. " etc etc etc . .For me it was proof enough that there is a good, personal God. But those beliefs are no longer enough. I met a hardcore atheist who dealt blow after blow to the flimsy thing I called my faith. . . and I'm glad he did, for it revealed the beliefs I held dear to be house of cards that it was. For me to wholly embrace Christianity and God, my intellect and all its elements - logic, common sense, doubts - has to accept it, for now I would forever think of blind faith as utter stupidity.
And so, these days, "to believe" for me means the daily struggle with questions, looking for answers, while trying to still have principles, differentiating what I want to think and what should be Truth. It means thinking how much of what I know of the Bible is taken from people's interpretations, swallowed whole. It means admitting that I have not learned enough, I've forgotten a lot, and to throw myself into learning again about my own beliefs, my own God.
I still cannot embrace Christianity 100%. I still don't know where to stop questioning and start believing. I still wonder if there ever would be an ideal composition of faith and intellect in beliefs. But if I cannot right now believe I know Truth, at least I believe I am walking in the direction of Truth, and right now it is sufficient.
When would I arrive at Truth? and what would it be? I don't know. What I can say is that I wish with all my being that Truth would be that there is a good God, and that I've only taken the tortuous round-about way in discovering that. In a twisted way of thinking, I think atheists are the very people who instinctively sense the character of God. . that if there is a God, He has to be good. But atheists find that the pain, suffering, perceived injustice and plain human stupidity in the world to be proof against a good God. So, rather than choosing to believe in a bad God, they choose to believe that there is no God at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment