On Escape and Relief

Phew..

Phhheeeeeeewwwwwwww..........!!

Today is the first day of not working since I quit my job 2 weeks ago. It feels great. It feels great though in quitting I broke my scholarship bond (supposed to work there for 2 years), made my parents bail me out, and had to go back on my words of 'If I can just pass these two years.. I'll be a stronger, better human being!'

So I had to ask myself, 'Am I not a strong, good human being now?' After spending so much time talking myself out of quitting, listing reasons to stay, coaxing my brain to think, 'It's not so bad, you can surely go through this if you want to, and telling myself it's not the 'right' thing, I finally did it. And it felt so right to get out of there that I couldn't even care what my own self thinks about 'being a good human being' (much less what others think!).

In quitting the job, I found a different kind of courage, different set of lessons. I learn that, though goals usually consist of really wanting to do something, it can also be really wanting NOT to continue doing something, and that goal can be just as worthy of thought, energy and effort.

I learn that I can create a choice, and I chose to leave at risk of people around me questioning how can I be so fickle and just stayed on the job (first job!) 10 months, what's more with the scholarship obligations. Believe you me, facing other people is a trivial thing compared to facing my own conscience day in-day out, asking how come I have turned into a hypocritical, stressed, complaining, bitter, unhappy employee... and let that go on!

Oh, of course I learn that what I conveniently label as 'what other people think' is really my own fear of not measuring up to my own so-called standards, and damn it feels so liberating just to be honest to myself about it.

After giving myself much pep-talk of 'You know, your own happiness is internal.. No matter what happens to you, you shouldn't let that affect you.. Your attitude determines your latitude.. ect etc', I learn that there are some battles in life just not worth fighting for, that I'm better off using my energy to fight other battles (or to just plain be happy!). I learn that, unhappiness is real no matter what inspirational quotes say, and it's legitimate to deal with it by changing your attitude AND your surroundings.

Some bitterness remains, yeah.. How does one not be angry towards an organization that exists to make people think they are capable of delivering much more than they actually can do (otherwise known as, 'cheating the clients' ), and to exploit the employees?

Ah, but.. I am no longer part of that organization.

It feels plain awesome.