On Beauty

'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder', so they say. Lately, I've been beholding myself with an increasingly critical eye - "my eyes are too small", "my hair is out of shape" - no thanks to a reading overdose of women's magazines. . . guess this post is just to remind me of who I am, and what my perception of beauty has always been.

It all started out innocently enough.. having an amazing man in my life prompted me to want to look my best, to be more 'girly', to take more care of my skin.. and, having the support and sweet encouragement of the above-mentioned man , I did so many things I wanted to do but had always thought, "ah, it's not for me.. it's for another prettier, more feminine girl, but certainly not for me.."
To hell with that, yeah! Ear piercing was followed by new hairdo (which I love! short hair is so liberating!) , skirts and frilly tops, experimenting with make up, dangling earrings (another thing I found I really like! ), accessories, culminating in dragging the above-mentioned amazing man on a hunt for 'comfortable' high heels...I learnt it all from the net, from female friends, from magazines, from people-watching..  It all felt like an adventure.. And I found a deeper layer of myself who is feminine, yet strong and confident and happy...


Yet, looking at all those images of beautiful women with their made-up, airbrushed perfection, I found myself wishing more and more often that I'd be 'more beautiful'.. and the confidence I found earlier started getting shaky.. Frequenting shopping malls with lots of dolled-up girls certainly didn't help either. The lowest point of it all? When I found myself looking at the mirror thinking, "Hmm... maybe I should have eye surgery after all, like my mom once recommended, maybe then I will be happy with my looks.."

Uh-oh. An alarm bell went off in my head. This thought, coming from the same brain that used to think, "make up is for someone who is either ugly, of who feels ugly" ?!! Gave some thought to all this beauty thing...

Why do I want to be 'more beautiful'? At first, it was just to be able to look my best.. and, just like any normal girl, make my guy proud to be out with me. Then again.. would my being prettier make him love me more? If yes, then heck I should run away from this guy! And knowing my guy, I can confidently and really proudly say he loves me the way I am.

Besides, I can think of so many ways to actually be a better partner than just looking gorgeous.. I could REALLY discipline myself financially, for a start.. something that I'm still struggling to do and which going shopping for beauty stuff doesn't help >< I can learn to cook more dishes, something that he appreciates a lot, I can think up new trekking routes so we can have fun together, heck, I can simply just be happy, knowing it will make him happy too. (hm, this article might be praising him too much, but well he really is a catch of a man!)

Another reason I can think of, is that, as a designer, I do love beauty and beautiful things.. and seeing that beauty I so adore is absent from myself, makes it quite frustrating. After shying away from beautiful womanly clothes, shoes etc, telling myself I shouldn't even try.. this new Shiela actually has the courage and desire to try them out..and I so wish those beautiful objects would look beautiful on me..

Fuh. Whatever happens, I don't want to be overly preoccupied with my looks. Especially not when it ceases being fun and starts to be eroding my self-esteem. Especially not if it will turn me into one of those girls who cannot go out without make up because they feel 'ugly' or 'incomplete'. Especially not when it hinders me from smiling and enjoying life!

Funnily enough, the many reasons why people wants to be attractive.. to be popular, to have a good social life, to attract a partner, to have a good career.. all these, I already have..  how stupid will it be if my preoccupation with looks then prevents me from enjoying all these things I've already gained.

To be or not to be (beautiful). I think, being myself and having fun being me is so much more important.

'Pretty is something you are born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective.'