Project 'What have you'

"Less is more."
- Mies van der Rohe, architect

Even though the great modernist Mies was talking about construction detailing, his motto rings true regarding material possessions. For me, at least. These past few weeks where I had more free time (jobless and enjoying it.. like a boss!), spring cleaning my bedroom was high on the agenda. In the course of clearing out the clutter and sorting out the stuff, I found all sorts of trinkets, unread books, games, musical instruments, drawings equipments, craft materials, cookbooks etc etc etc.. All these things are cluttering my space and my mind! (Thinking, 'oh yeah I'll do this someday.. I'll use this someday..")

Wheew.. Time for less accumulation and more action.. As the great French general succinctly puts it:

"Riches do not consist in the possession of treasures, but in the use made of them."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

So, I am starting a project 'What have you' where every time I find a good use for the stuff lying around my room, or read a book that's been tucked in a corner for a long time, or do a drawing using last-I-touched-them-was-3-years-ago watercolors, I'm gonna put it in the blog under the category 'Project What-have-you'... because that's what it is, trying to use what I already have to give me contentment instead of buying more and more stuff.

Just a confession: I am the kind of person that will get super excited at a new hobby/idea and, before anything else, will check out all the trappings that come with that... piano playing? let's photocopy all the cool looking scores from the library (then realized have no time and determination to play them). Wire craft? Let's get those pliers and the beads (and then after some time got more excited about baking cakes and forgot all about wire craft.)

You get the idea. Damn, I should've realized sooner it's really silly to have lots of stuff but little to show in terms of how the stuff has actually enriched my life.

To start, the other day I was thinking that I should get a make-up box to get all my make up organized (How did I end up with so many types of mascara when I rarely wear make-up?! That's one item to put in Project What-have-you!). Thought of buying a make up box, but hey, I have a lot of plastic boxes I used to store model-making materials while I was in university studying architecture. So, voila!

On Beauty

'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder', so they say. Lately, I've been beholding myself with an increasingly critical eye - "my eyes are too small", "my hair is out of shape" - no thanks to a reading overdose of women's magazines. . . guess this post is just to remind me of who I am, and what my perception of beauty has always been.

It all started out innocently enough.. having an amazing man in my life prompted me to want to look my best, to be more 'girly', to take more care of my skin.. and, having the support and sweet encouragement of the above-mentioned man , I did so many things I wanted to do but had always thought, "ah, it's not for me.. it's for another prettier, more feminine girl, but certainly not for me.."
To hell with that, yeah! Ear piercing was followed by new hairdo (which I love! short hair is so liberating!) , skirts and frilly tops, experimenting with make up, dangling earrings (another thing I found I really like! ), accessories, culminating in dragging the above-mentioned amazing man on a hunt for 'comfortable' high heels...I learnt it all from the net, from female friends, from magazines, from people-watching..  It all felt like an adventure.. And I found a deeper layer of myself who is feminine, yet strong and confident and happy...


Yet, looking at all those images of beautiful women with their made-up, airbrushed perfection, I found myself wishing more and more often that I'd be 'more beautiful'.. and the confidence I found earlier started getting shaky.. Frequenting shopping malls with lots of dolled-up girls certainly didn't help either. The lowest point of it all? When I found myself looking at the mirror thinking, "Hmm... maybe I should have eye surgery after all, like my mom once recommended, maybe then I will be happy with my looks.."

Uh-oh. An alarm bell went off in my head. This thought, coming from the same brain that used to think, "make up is for someone who is either ugly, of who feels ugly" ?!! Gave some thought to all this beauty thing...

Why do I want to be 'more beautiful'? At first, it was just to be able to look my best.. and, just like any normal girl, make my guy proud to be out with me. Then again.. would my being prettier make him love me more? If yes, then heck I should run away from this guy! And knowing my guy, I can confidently and really proudly say he loves me the way I am.

Besides, I can think of so many ways to actually be a better partner than just looking gorgeous.. I could REALLY discipline myself financially, for a start.. something that I'm still struggling to do and which going shopping for beauty stuff doesn't help >< I can learn to cook more dishes, something that he appreciates a lot, I can think up new trekking routes so we can have fun together, heck, I can simply just be happy, knowing it will make him happy too. (hm, this article might be praising him too much, but well he really is a catch of a man!)

Another reason I can think of, is that, as a designer, I do love beauty and beautiful things.. and seeing that beauty I so adore is absent from myself, makes it quite frustrating. After shying away from beautiful womanly clothes, shoes etc, telling myself I shouldn't even try.. this new Shiela actually has the courage and desire to try them out..and I so wish those beautiful objects would look beautiful on me..

Fuh. Whatever happens, I don't want to be overly preoccupied with my looks. Especially not when it ceases being fun and starts to be eroding my self-esteem. Especially not if it will turn me into one of those girls who cannot go out without make up because they feel 'ugly' or 'incomplete'. Especially not when it hinders me from smiling and enjoying life!

Funnily enough, the many reasons why people wants to be attractive.. to be popular, to have a good social life, to attract a partner, to have a good career.. all these, I already have..  how stupid will it be if my preoccupation with looks then prevents me from enjoying all these things I've already gained.

To be or not to be (beautiful). I think, being myself and having fun being me is so much more important.

'Pretty is something you are born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective.'

Baby Don't Jump the Gun!

Getting very excited at the prospect of going to my new firm, learning new things, working with new people - and new materials! - that I was thinking unwittingly to myself: "Hmm.. but I can only pour myself out into my work while I'm single, right.. Since design work needs a lot of time, dedication, a lot of overtime.. And when I am married I gotta take care of my husband, and probably in three, four years I'm gonna have kids and then, I wonder if I can just leave the kids in day care.. But I do want to take care of my family... But I also want to pursue my goal of being an excellent landscape architect..."

At which point I have to catch myself and say, "Dammit Shiela, those kids don't even exist yet! Stop dragging them into your own planning!"

Sigh. It's true, passion is lived day-by-day and I have not even proven that yet, let alone think of how my *as-of-yet-non-existent* kids will influence my *as-of-yet-non-existent* career! ><


"When work, commitment, and pleasure all become one and you reach that deep well where passion lives, nothing is impossible."

On Pleasure

"Simple pleasures are often the last refuge of the complex."
- Oscar Wilde

Yesterday morning, in line with my being jobless-at-the-moment, I used up half the day just lying in bed reading. Re-reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. No thinking, "Ah but I need to do something else soon" or "Ah, but this book isn't adding anything of value to my work", "Ah, I need to meet up with friends while I have time" . . .

To add to the perfection of it all, it was raining in the morning and the weather was a cool, cloudy grey.. my favorite chill-out weather..

Read something in 'Eat, Pray, Love' along the lines of, in a world so awash with entertainment today, people are still desperate for pleasures. How true, and how sad. How ironic that, because we have so many choices, we move through all the choices too fast to enjoy any of them. Simple example, the moment my brain kinda knew that I'll have time to read, it reacted with, "Alright, let's go to this library and that library, you want to read this, this, this this and this.. and if you can't find the books, let's browse in the bookstore. Or buy it online. You do know it is vital you read these books to prepare for your next job. Anyway you love reading, you should love reading all these.. blah blah blah.."

I had to tell it, "Ow, shut up. I'd really just rather use the time to REALLY read. And I don't care, I'm gonna read a book about the pleasures of eating Italian food, even if it has no relevance whatsoever to my professional development."

Another example, realized yesterday that it's been some time since I am just really eating - no reading newspaper at the same time, no thinking about the next thing to do, no chatting with colleagues/ boyfriend.. Just forcing myself to be aware of each spoonful that goes into my mouth.. Read in the book 'Mindless Eating' that a lot of people now eat so fast or eat while distracting themselves, the brain does not even know what's going on, much less enjoy the taste of food!

Anyway, after the morning reading, I went out after lunch and spontaneously went to have a reflexology + neck & shoulder massage. I've been feeling so stiff on my shoulders it's beginning to really bother me. Normally, I would be asking The Boyfriend to pound on my muscles (he's good!) but he's also been busy and quite tired lately.

Thinking about it, another key point of having pleasures is that, as much as you can, take charge of your own pleasures. I mean, of course it is nice to be happy because someone else is giving to you, whether his time,gifts, or energy.. But the moment one depends on that, then there will be expectations, and a lot of room for resentment as well.

Case in point: I did request The B to help me massage my shoulders a bit a few days ago, and being the sweet guy, he complied, but because I knew he was also tired, I asked him to stop after a few strokes, and even then felt guilty. Keep this kind of thing up, before long one will feel guilty and unsatisfied. No good in a relationship. So I went to have a massage, paid the fee, has 45 mins of pounding and pressing and kneading, and now I feel awesome and ready to take care of myself and him.

Yeah, just so I won't forget again, here are the 'Three Pillars of Pleasure', Shiela-style:

1. Slow down
2. Keep it simple
3. Take charge

Can't go wrong with those. OK, now to go back to reading. "Simplify Your Life" by Elaine St. James =)

On Escape and Relief

Phew..

Phhheeeeeeewwwwwwww..........!!

Today is the first day of not working since I quit my job 2 weeks ago. It feels great. It feels great though in quitting I broke my scholarship bond (supposed to work there for 2 years), made my parents bail me out, and had to go back on my words of 'If I can just pass these two years.. I'll be a stronger, better human being!'

So I had to ask myself, 'Am I not a strong, good human being now?' After spending so much time talking myself out of quitting, listing reasons to stay, coaxing my brain to think, 'It's not so bad, you can surely go through this if you want to, and telling myself it's not the 'right' thing, I finally did it. And it felt so right to get out of there that I couldn't even care what my own self thinks about 'being a good human being' (much less what others think!).

In quitting the job, I found a different kind of courage, different set of lessons. I learn that, though goals usually consist of really wanting to do something, it can also be really wanting NOT to continue doing something, and that goal can be just as worthy of thought, energy and effort.

I learn that I can create a choice, and I chose to leave at risk of people around me questioning how can I be so fickle and just stayed on the job (first job!) 10 months, what's more with the scholarship obligations. Believe you me, facing other people is a trivial thing compared to facing my own conscience day in-day out, asking how come I have turned into a hypocritical, stressed, complaining, bitter, unhappy employee... and let that go on!

Oh, of course I learn that what I conveniently label as 'what other people think' is really my own fear of not measuring up to my own so-called standards, and damn it feels so liberating just to be honest to myself about it.

After giving myself much pep-talk of 'You know, your own happiness is internal.. No matter what happens to you, you shouldn't let that affect you.. Your attitude determines your latitude.. ect etc', I learn that there are some battles in life just not worth fighting for, that I'm better off using my energy to fight other battles (or to just plain be happy!). I learn that, unhappiness is real no matter what inspirational quotes say, and it's legitimate to deal with it by changing your attitude AND your surroundings.

Some bitterness remains, yeah.. How does one not be angry towards an organization that exists to make people think they are capable of delivering much more than they actually can do (otherwise known as, 'cheating the clients' ), and to exploit the employees?

Ah, but.. I am no longer part of that organization.

It feels plain awesome.

Tentang Menulis

Atau lebih tepatnya, kenapa udah lama banget nggak pernah nulis >< Tiba2 aja, kemarin aku berpikir, kenapa ya, sekarang udah nggak begitu niat menulis blog, padahal kalau dibilang hidupku sekarang lebih nggak seru, ya nggak juga.. dibilang nggak ada inspirasi.. apa iya ya..?

Jadi mikir.. Aku sadar, masalah jarang nulis ini mulainya adalah karena aku 'sibuk' pacaran.. Mungkin, aku jenis orang yang kalo banyak masalah dan dilanda rasa sedih, baru deh jiwa puitis dan segala macam ilham keluar.. Saat suasana hujan rintik-rintik, sendirian dalam kamar.. Senyap dan dingin.. owh.. Tipe2 orang yang jadi target konsumen film India penuh melodrama..

Semenjak ada 'dia' di sampingku.. Dibilang rasa sedih, ya ada juga, kadang2 kalau cekcok.. Tapi entah bagaimana, rasanya selalu ada satu optimisme.. Kemauan untuk 'just make this work', dan kebahagiaan yg dipicu oleh hal2 paling kecil sekalipun.. Di sms tiba2.. langsung seneng.. liat dia senyum.. langsung berbunga2.. Hujan rintik2.. ada dia yg menemani dan menghangatkan jiwa *nggak cuma jiwa doang ding, yah well.. ;p * Berangkat dari sana.. Lenyap sudah suasana2 melankolis yg justru bisa membangkitkan inspirasi..

Pikir2 juga.. Sebetulnya iya sih, jatuh cinta atau punya orang yang dicintai itu.. it's powerful.. sesuatu yg bisa membuat orang nggak peduli kalau misalnya semua hal lain dalam hidupnya nggak berjalan terlalu baik, asal sang pendamping ada di sisi. Ibaratnya, 'tahi kucing berasa coklat'.. *meskipun aku ngeri banget membayangkan skenario kebalikannya dimana seandainya patah hati tiap makan coklat berasa tahi kucing >< *

Selain soal pacaran ini juga.. yah, sekarang aku udah kerja dan boleh dibilang kerjaanku adalah sesuatu yg menyenangkan, yg juga menyumbang makna hidup buatku.. jadinya pikiranku udah nggak kemana2, menganalisa banyak hal2 random yg seringkali jadi 'bahan dasar' tulisan2 di blog ini..

Di sisi lain... Rasa2nya.. akhir2 ini aku jarang bermimpi.. jarang berekspresi.. Ujung dari membuang mimpiku keluar dari Singapur.. *apa boleh buat udah kepincut orang sini.. 100% menjilat ludah sendiri.. secara tadinya udah sumpah2 ga mau sama orang Sg.. ya, ludah sendiri rasanya not bad jg kok..*

Apa buat banyak orang juga seperti itu? Tiba2 aja sadar bahwa keinginan untuk keliling dunia, bertualang kesana-kemari, melakukan ini dan itu, sudah nggak menggebu2.. bahkan terasa cuma seperti satu kenangan yang jauh..

Aku masih ingin punya mimpi.. Dan ambisi.. Meskipun hati berkata lain, bahwa sekarang bukan saatnya lagi bermimpi cuma buat diriku sendiri, tapi bermimpi bersama2 orang yg kusayang.

Satu langkah kecil untuk kembali bermimpi, adalah buatku, kembali menulis.. Entah kenapa, meskipun blog ini publik tapi terasa seperti ruang kecil untuk berpikir sendiri, kesenangan kecil yg bisa kunikmati sendirian..

Selamat datang kembali, semoga itu pantas kuucapkan buat diriku sendiri.

On Books

"I can't believe how few records you have. It's pathetic, Dad."
"I know. Several movements in popular music culture have passed me by completely."
"You've got quite a lot of books, though."
"Not compared to some people."
"I'd never read a book if I didn't have to. Books are boring."
Timothy stops and looks at Liam gravely.
"I once heard Tim Henman say that on television," he says. "You know. The tennis player. I thought 'No, Tim, books contain all the magic of thought and imagination that great minds think up. If you can't find anything stimulating or interesting in any book ever written, I'm afraid it's you that's boring.' Say that you aren't bookish, as unfortunately seems to be the case with you, but don't ever say, in my presence, that books are boring.'

- Obstacles to Young Love

Conversation with Dad

Talking about going to Paris, and how I'm actually pretty content right now just staying here enjoying my life, and the itch to go conquer the world has dimmed down somewhat.. Anyway, here's the conversation I had that I thought is quite blogworthy:

Dad: "So you're going to Paris in May, confirmed? B**** going with you?"
Me: "Yup.."
Dad: "I really still think you can, you know, just go back together with him instead of extending your stay.."
Me: "But I cut it short already!! by two weeks! I kind of know I won't feel like staying away for too long stretches of time, otherwise it'll be like when I cut my stay in Laos short last time.. no worries Dad, right now I feel like travel is only exciting if I can share it with my partner.."
Dad: "Yes that's right. You know, me and your mom, though we argue a lot, still we'll go everywhere together.. I tell you, even going to Paradise is not fun when you're just by yourself, let alone to Paris.."

At this point I was just laughing at that hillarious, but true bit of relationship wisdom.. ><

'Cause Inspiration is Good For You!

"Rise to the occasion which is life!"
~ Virginia Euwer Wolff

"It's the magic of risking everything for a dream that nobody sees but you."
~ Million Dollar Baby

"I think the key is for women not to set any limits."
~ Martina Navratilova

"Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away."
~ Barbara De Angelis

"I believe that it is as much a right and duty for women to do something with their lives as for men and we are not going to be satisfied with such frivolous parts as you give us."
~ Louisa May Alcott

"Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him."
~ Marilyn Monroe

"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
~ Elayne Boosler

Well-behaved women seldom make history.
- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Happiness cannot thrive within the prison of obligation.
Live wild, life free, live as master of your own fate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
- Christopher Robin to Pooh

There's no such thing as being too independent - Victoria Billings

Buckle up, baby!

I am getting soft. And childish. And narrow-minded.

"The quickest way to let expectations ruin your relationship is by moving past the good thing you have and dwelling on the things you want—or the things you think you want."
- The Lady


I guess that's the thing about being in a relationship.. You kind of get used to the other person, get used to all the beautiful moments and the time spent together, and so you start having expectations about what the relationship should be like to stay wonderful.. and then when all that is taken away.. you kind of think it's your right to have those things, and get upset, get hurt, get weak..

K, k, all those 'You' and 'your' prefixes should be changed to 'I' and 'my'. *Sigh*. It's a rather hard balance - being dependent to and vulnerable with another person, and maintaining one's independence. Be too independent when you're spending time together, and you end up maintaining more distance than maybe is good for the relationship, you won't spend that much time to care about the other person because you want to put more time and energy into other things. Be emotionally attached, each other's confidante and best friend, and yes it's true that with intimacy comes certain joy, but then what happens if that person is not available, physically and emotionally, to spend time with you and you feel there's a giant void in your life?

Well, it came kind of as a shock even for myself when I realize just how much I can be an 'all-or-nothing' type.. People close to me.. either has all my attention, or not at all.. Either they make their presence felt, or just leave me to my own devices.. Because it's so miserable hoping for someone to share your days, to the extent that you can't help putting your life on hold. *K girls, this is what happens when you let your emotions take over your brain. WTH looks like my friend Audrey is right, I'm becoming more pink! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! *

Ufh.. What a selfish personality.. but now that I've discovered that part of myself.. oh well, gotta live with it. Over the years, I learnt that, for me, even if I'm the heck-care type I like to know about people I care about.. to reach a point where one is just unsure if each is still part of the other's life, a lack of sharing each other's stories, however mundane it is.. actually feels rather miserable, rather toxic, rather crushing...

Gah. Alright, enough moping around. We girls gotta show some girl power ;p
___
P.S. Reviewed this writing a few days after, and having talked about my inexplicable sudden sense of loneliness (Read: PMS) with my S.O... Owwww gosh, it's emo.. >< I'm lucky the S.O is very understanding, and very chill about it all.. Fiuh! No more pink for now!

Antara Kangen dan Gengsi

*sengaja tulis pake bahasa indonesia biar sang pacar gak ngerti hehe..

Pernah merasa kangeeeeeeen sama pacar *yah, padahal barusan juga kemaren ketemu*, tapi gengsi mau sms atau ngajak keluar duluan? Mungkin hal ini lebih sering dialami cewek ya.. well yang jelas, aku cuma bisa nulis dari sudut pandang cewek.. Kadang2, tiba2 aja, pengen diperhatikan sama pacar, tapi kalo udah gitu jadinya malah diem2, berharap sang pacar bisa baca pikiran, punya telepati, atau paling enggak secara kebetulan sms kata2 manis etc.. Demi harga diri dan rasa penasaran, tahan2 deh pengen menyapa pacar duluan dan bermanja2.. Bermacam2 pikiran berkecamuk di kepala:

1. 'Kalau sms duluan nanti dikira kangen..' *lah, kan emang..?*
2. 'Ga mau ganggu, pacar kan lagi sibuk..' *alasan biar terkesan dewasa, tapi dicampur jg dgn pikiran 'lho tapi kalo dia emang sayang mestinya sibuk2 juga dia perhatiin dong..'
3. 'Masa seringnya aku yang sms duluan, harusnya dia yg cowo ambil inisiatif dong..' *pikiran yg disusul dgn menghitung minggu lalu berapa kali dia sms duluan, berapa kali kita-nya yg memulai.. dua kata, sodara-sodara: "Kurang kerjaan!!!" *
4. 'Sejak pacaran, kayaknya kok berubah menjadi cewek manja dan "lengket" (baca: pengennya deket2 terus ngeliatin pacarku yg gagah dan jago capoeira...), ok sekarang saatnya buktikan pada diri sendiri bahwa aku bisa ngelewatin satu hari tanpa sms dari dia.. satu hari doang, boook!! ayo shiela, fokus!'
5. 'Eh kamu harusnya kan kerjain tugas buat studio yah, kok pikirannya malah kemana2???' *alasan terakhir ini yg paling realistis dan membuatku terpaksa mengalihkan pandangan dari layar hp..*

Hufh, begitulah.. Anyway cerita nyata nih.. Rabu kemarin, sms pacar malem2, trus merasa pas sms kayaknya kok konsentrasi dia terpecah, gitu.. *naluri perempuan.. cieh, padahal sampe 2 taun lalu pake rok aja grogi..* Tapi sebagai pacar yg pengertian, apalagi aku tau dia memang banyak kesibukan, ya udahlah, palingan lagi sambil selesaiin kerjaan kantornya..

Besoknya, pengen pacar sms duluan.. Just because.. *keinginan tiba-tiba seorang gadis.. cieh, padahal taun lalu obsesi-nya pengen bisa handstand dan tendangan putar di capoeira*..

Besoknya lagi.. Pagi cek email, oh ternyata kemaren jam 2 pagi pacar email, tp isinya pendek aja.. meskipun sedikit mengobati kangen, tetep aja penasaran huhuhu... Pas malemnya training.. Notabene jadinya dikit2 ngeliatin pacar yang merangkap senior pelatih.. Tapi tetep bersikap cuek2 bebek *selain harga diri, juga kesepakatan bahwa training is training, ga boleh ga fokus! >< * Sampe latihan berakhir, baru deh boleh mendekati pacar utk ngomong hal2 pribadi, dan baru mau negur sambil ambil baju buat ganti.. ngeliat ada sebuah kotak di dalem tas.. Hmmm... Siapa ini yang masukin? Apakah ini bom jenis baru???

Well.. ternyata isi kotak itu.. sebentuk bunga mawar yg dibuat sendiri oleh sang pacar dari metal kaleng Coca-cola, karena dia tau aku jauh lebih menghargai benda2 yg dia buat sendiri *ditambah katanya, kalo mawar buatan kan ga cepet layu >< * Ditanya, dalam rangka apa nih ngasih beginian? Jawabnya.. karena dia pengen aku punya sesuatu yg bisa diliat sebagai penambah semangat saat2 aku sibuk ngerjain thesis untuk sebulan ke depan dan gak bisa ketemu dia sesering yang aku mau..

....OOOOOOHHHHHH... wow... begitulah hal2 seperti ini yang akhirnya membuatku takluk sama seorang cowok Singapura.. ya meskipun ada campuran Filipino-nya juga.. *pembelaan diri*

Pulang naik MRT bareng, prihatin melihat matanya yang merah kurang tidur, trus aku tanya lagi, 'Kemaren tuh, kok kamu email jam 2 pagi lagi ngerjain apa sebelumnya? Kok tidurnya malem-malem gitu?'
"Uhm.. ya, lagi bikin bunga mawar untuk kamu itu..."

*langsung insaf.. Huhuhuhu maafkan diriku yang lemah dan penuh keraguan ini... >< *

Hahaha... yah.. sebetulnya, ujung2nya, post tidak berguna ini cuma pengen meng-eksplore gaya nulis selayaknya cewe-cewe (rada) bimbo jaman sekarang.. tapi siapa sih, cewek yang gak jadi rada2 bego saat perasaan sedang melanda? Bahkan ada hasil riset yang mengatakan jatuh cinta itu bikin poin IQ berkurang lumayan drastis!

Hm. Paling tidak, yang membuatku merasa 'bimbo' adalah seorang yang benar kusayangi dan aku hargai. Seorang yang membuatku merasa respek pada kedewasaannya dan merasa aman karena keteduhannya.

Aku bahagia =)

K.I.S.S

..Keep It Simple, Stupid..

Was going to open the can of chestnut spread I got from France -a specialty of the Ardeche region that consists of pureed chestnut, sugar and vanilla (which, by the way, is divine! And lasts quite long!)

..and I went to google recipes for that.. Browsing through so many guaranteed-delicous-you-gotta-try-this-one recipes, a thought just popped into my head:

"If I'm perfectly content eating this chestnut spread out of the can, why the heck do I need to use it in complicated recipes and face the very real possibility of ruining its taste?"

And then, I realised the answer.. Simple food satisfy me, but complicated cooking.. is so damn fun! >< There is probably something unnerving about seeing cooking as a chemical experiment (making tear gas, and nuclear bombs, now THOSE are chemical experiments), but heck, now that I find it a source of fun and another outlet of creativity - albeit with grave consequences if the resulting dishes are hoisted upon other people - I'll probably be quite into it for some time.

On a side note, dang it's rather irritating to want to try out recipes and think that one will have more things to eat then, and eating a lot will, quite simply, make one fat. Never trust a thin cook, they say.. but I am SO unwilling to get back to my 'fat phase' (yeah..I was 12 years old.. and really fat.. 2 years later I became a vegetarian and entered the Singaporean education system with its Spartan physical education, so that was lucky..).

My brain is confused between my desire to exercise more and live healthy and the desire to cook, eat and indulge!

On Boundaries

"Boundaries don't keep people out. They fence you in."
-Meredith Grey

Incidentally, before deciding to write this post I had to think of whether writing about my relationship would cross my own personal boundaries.. After all, the more precious something is to me, the more I try to cherish and keep it private *not always successful especially in the times I'm giddy with happiness >< *. In the end though, I decide that since a fair portion of my thoughts these days is about relationships, since most of my growth right now happens in the context of my own relationship and since this space exist to chronicle my thoughts and growth.. I feel the need to write, even if it is indeed more personal than my usual musings.

Boundaries.. Where does the pure, solid 'I' with my own opinions, dreams, quirks and needs stand, and the part of me who wants to please another person begins? Even as a fiercely independent person wary of needing too much of a man, of being 'owned' by him, of giving myself away just to be taken for granted by another, I know I *and every other girl with a guy to adore, I assume* tend to want to give, give, give to the person I care about. This is where the boundary problem starts, because sometimes we give too much of our time, our energy, our thoughts, our sacrifices, into a relationship and ends up feeling "Who am I? Am I my own person still or am I just a spineless existence who have sacrificed too much for another?'.. As if there's a hole in the fence around me that defines 'me' and then parts of another person comes in and invades our protected territory.

And the best part? Realized over the years that my sense of self can only be invaded if I allow it, and the negative feelings I have towards others due to boundary problems is my own responsibility. Gawd, the ways I've allowed other people to invade in! *okay actually not that bad, but things like resentment towards my mom because I allowed her opinions to affect me too much did make my life miserable for some time*

These musings come.. as I'm in that stage of the relationship where we're exploring one another's interests, and yes, I realize I'm spending a lot of time discovering what matters to him, and wanting to be good in skills I know would please him. *no, not the Kamasutra, mind you* What with my tendency to single-mindedly pursue new things and natural curiousity to learn and do as much as I can, I've had to step back and see if things I've discovered through him has become my own interest, or if they still still are 'his'.

And if they are still 'his', then I have to keep myself from spending too much time and focus on them. *Since time and focus are limited resources, and dang I need them especially in this final semester!*

Why all the trouble to do something that seems so cold and selfish as maintaining a strong 'me'-ness when the emphasis in a relationship should be of 'us'? Because I believe without two clearly defined, strong 'me's, there won't be a strong, healthy 'us'.. Recalled a conversation with a girl friend where she said she felt like people know her more for being *****'s girlfriend than for being her own self.. That.. ranks rather high in my list of mortal fears in Life... ><

On the end note, though, I have to say there isn't anything quite as liberating as being in a relationship where you're allowed, cherished even, for being yourself.. There isn't a surprise quite like the happy surprise when you discover that your boundaries and his fits quite nicely in some parts... and there is no other kind of vulnerability so tender, so precious, so beautiful as when you are allowed to cross the self-defining boundaries of another, knowing how special a privilege it is to be trusted as such.

The Lusciousness of Simplicity

Was walking around doing my site study around Biopolis, under the noonday sun, and then I decided to go into the Biopolis food court to find something refreshing..

..Ended up buying a cup of mixed cut fruit and slowly ate them sitting under a rain tree, beside a pond.. And..

..Yuuuummmmm... The pieces of mango, jackfruit, watermelon, grape, apple, guava, agar-agar, etc (yeah it was that much of a value for money ;p ) were so sweet, refreshing yet rich, luscious yet so, so wholesome..

Think I really understand now why fruits are called Mother's Nature's gift.. AND I'm so glad I live in the tropics where fruits are abundant and oh-so-delish!
(Except, of course, durians >< )

On Cooking

"Cooking is like love, it should be entered into with abandon or not at all."
- Harriet van Horne

The long and short of it.. I'm starting to pick up cooking again (The last time I cooked regularly was for myself was when I was in Paris for exchange), and the thing is, it's different cooking just for yourself versus cooking for another person...

(At this point, some would be wondering if by 'another person' I mean my significant other, and by 'cooking' I mean trying to make something for my s.o, just like how it typically happens in cliche girly mangas. Sigh. To a certain extent, it is true.) *stare 15mins into space and wonders how-the-hell-did-this-happen..*

(By the way, having so much fun with said significant other while juggling thesis work, capoeira, and Life-in-general is the reason this blog has been totally neglected.. but I'll try to update regularly now.. I realize I like, and need, to write my thoughts just to keep them in check.)

Back to cooking. I've started spending time with the cook at my place, just observing her in the kitchen, asking questions.. and what my conclusion is that the amount of knowledge required, effort expanded, and nuances to take care of is nothing short of A.M.A.Z.I.N.G...

How is one supposed to know that squids require a thicker coating of flour than prawns before deep-frying? That vegetables will stay green if they are quickly blanched before stir-fried? That some deep-fried items require three-level adjustments of heat? The amount of minute details to pay attention to is mind-boggling, as some of you legitimate cooks will know, but that is precisely why cooking is not a mere chore but is elevated into a skill, an art form.

Another conclusion: unless you are someone who really loves cooking and do it for its own sake, most of the satisfaction from cooking comes from making people who eat your food happy.
Cliche as it is, indeed cooking is an act of love. *stare another 15mins into space and wonders where-did-those-words-come-from*

Anyway, still another aspect of cooking is that, to love cooking I think one has to love food.. And I'm still finding my balance in that.. I mean, I love anything coated with chocolate, of course, but for the most part the food I love is Asian food cooked quite simply, with lotsa vegetables that still retain their 'crunch'... but I don't like anything too 'processed', too unhealthy, too oily, too sweet, and on top of that, meat is off-limits... Add all that and actually I survive pretty well on salads, raw fruits, simple rice and noodle dishes, tofu and tempe haha... *which resulted in me calling my style 'survival cooking' ;p * How does one cook more elaborate dishes while being convinced that simplistic cooking is the best?

Still another thing.. I realize that my relationship with food has developed into more of a 'health-freak' type.. I'm wary of too much food, preferring to finish eating before I'm truly full, and given a choice I find exercise and moving my body around oftentimes more enjoyable than eating haha..

Then again, remembering all those times my mom and nanny cooked various comfort food for me, how my brothers loved trying out my baked goodies, and realizing how food has the power to bring people together in smiles of appreciation and enjoyment, am starting to think cooking is a skill that takes a long while to master, but will never be boring and is worth learning.

"There is no spectacle on earth more appealing than that of a beautiful woman cooking dinner for someone she loves."
- Thomas Wolfe
*a rather chauvinistic quote, what with the woman having to be 'beautiful', but it does bring to mind the image of my mom cooking for my family, and beaming when she sees us enjoying the food, and so I will still put the quote there.*

'Would a traveller go back at the end of a trip and do it all over again? Relive all the hassles, the heat, the misadventures?
Yes. Usually, anyway. If only for those rare moments that are travel, that make it vital. Even if those moments take forever to come, they're worth the wait. They're the same reasons that keep s alive. Wouldn't most people go back and be a kid again, go through all the hurts, bruises and misunderstandings of growing up, relive everything, just to be able to smell spring the way we did when we were ten?'
- Laurie Gogh, Kite Strings of The Southern Cross

On Soul

'Oh soul, you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.'

- Jalaluddin Rumi

Tentang Dunia

Aku selalu berpikir, berharap, bahwa duniaku bakal terbentang seluas-luasnya, bahwa duniaku diisi petualangan-petualangan ke negara-negara eksotis, kaki yang selalu melangkah, adrenalin yang sering terpompa dan hidup yang tak pernah bosan dan penuh tawa..

Aku takut berada hanya di satu tempat, takut bahwa 'menjadi dewasa' berarti hidup monoton penuh rutinitas dan kehilangan rasa cintaku akan nikmatnya hidup, kehilangan kesempatan bertualang, melihat dunia dan terkagum-kagum sambil merasa betapa masih banyak yang harus aku pelajari..

Tapi... tapi entah sejak kapan, duniaku berubah menjadi seseorang.. Entah sejak kapan rasa takut untuk melipat sayapku dan berhenti terbang, berganti dengan rasa nyaman saat aku berada di pelukannya, merasa bahwa ini memang tempatku, dan dia adalah jangkarku..

Hari-hariku sekarang.. Tidak kujalani di negara-negara eksotis.. Meskipun begitu, hari-hari itu juga tak membosankan dan penuh tawa.. Dan aku melihatnya, dan terkagum-kagum sambil merasa betapa banyak yang masih harus aku pelajari..

__
On a side note, it's amazing that just leaning on someone's shoulder while watching a movie makes one feel so happy... And as they say.. It's so difficult to fall asleep when reality is finally better than your dreams..

"How's Life?"

.. the question that people usually ask when they see someone who've been MIA for a long time.. haha.. Wow, I realised I haven't been writing on the blog for really long, though I've been writing a lot of personally, mulling over things, reflecting, growing.... The thing is.. this blog has been chronicling my thoughts from the first year of university - it was created precisely to document my archi student journey - and somehow it does not feel right to not write about this intense time as I get closer to the end of university...

Anyway, Life.. has thrown a lot stuff on me lately, but also, I've asked a lot from it..

Studio.. sad to say that I've rather wasted the chance to grow through it.. If anything, I'm currently a virtually passion-less, complain-full, gossipy, 'I-don't-even-wanna-go-to-studio-if-I-can-help-it' student who harbors a lot of resentment to the person I should respect the most in the studio, the person who talked me into applying for landscape architecture, no less. The realization that I am not rising above the situation but instead going with herd mentality of "ah alright the rest are generally dragging their feet around too so what I'm feeling is ok" marks another all-time-low in life.. sigh..

Well, beneath it all, there's still my unwillingness to let my love for design and my life in general be ruined because of that constant, nagging thought that I'm really not learning anything, wasting my time, and just wishing it will soon be over.. I just have to believe that there's still a little spark inside waiting for the right moment, the right trigger, to ignite again and consume me thoroughly with renewed passion...

Aside from studio though, Life's great =) Just came back from a capoeira roda and felt inspired, energized again.. Really, there's not a lot of thing more beautiful, more joyful, more unifying, more uplifting, more relieving than a roda, even if this time I was just a spectator due to unfortunate clash of studio deadlines with capoeira events.

And then there's.. well.. there's someone in my life that fascinates, just fascinates me right now and as I go into that scary yet rewarding process of getting vulnerable, being nervously afraid and yet find that it's worth it.. I'm really grateful..

Hufh.. In my church it was said to the youth, there are 3 decisions in Life you really need to get right: what you believe, whom you spend your life with, and what you do for a living... To deal with all three of them at the same time is rather overwhelming, and this is just the beginning..

But hey, that's Life =)

-

Don't think of anything else.
Your excuses are not needed.
And whatever is your past
I'll love you who ever you may be.

I love you, because I love you
What ever they think about is not important.
I love you, who ever you may be

___

The words I needed to hear, have been said.. And the tenderness of it all holds me, awes me, soothes me..

Oh, how I am happy.