Project 'What have you'

"Less is more."
- Mies van der Rohe, architect

Even though the great modernist Mies was talking about construction detailing, his motto rings true regarding material possessions. For me, at least. These past few weeks where I had more free time (jobless and enjoying it.. like a boss!), spring cleaning my bedroom was high on the agenda. In the course of clearing out the clutter and sorting out the stuff, I found all sorts of trinkets, unread books, games, musical instruments, drawings equipments, craft materials, cookbooks etc etc etc.. All these things are cluttering my space and my mind! (Thinking, 'oh yeah I'll do this someday.. I'll use this someday..")

Wheew.. Time for less accumulation and more action.. As the great French general succinctly puts it:

"Riches do not consist in the possession of treasures, but in the use made of them."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

So, I am starting a project 'What have you' where every time I find a good use for the stuff lying around my room, or read a book that's been tucked in a corner for a long time, or do a drawing using last-I-touched-them-was-3-years-ago watercolors, I'm gonna put it in the blog under the category 'Project What-have-you'... because that's what it is, trying to use what I already have to give me contentment instead of buying more and more stuff.

Just a confession: I am the kind of person that will get super excited at a new hobby/idea and, before anything else, will check out all the trappings that come with that... piano playing? let's photocopy all the cool looking scores from the library (then realized have no time and determination to play them). Wire craft? Let's get those pliers and the beads (and then after some time got more excited about baking cakes and forgot all about wire craft.)

You get the idea. Damn, I should've realized sooner it's really silly to have lots of stuff but little to show in terms of how the stuff has actually enriched my life.

To start, the other day I was thinking that I should get a make-up box to get all my make up organized (How did I end up with so many types of mascara when I rarely wear make-up?! That's one item to put in Project What-have-you!). Thought of buying a make up box, but hey, I have a lot of plastic boxes I used to store model-making materials while I was in university studying architecture. So, voila!

On Beauty

'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder', so they say. Lately, I've been beholding myself with an increasingly critical eye - "my eyes are too small", "my hair is out of shape" - no thanks to a reading overdose of women's magazines. . . guess this post is just to remind me of who I am, and what my perception of beauty has always been.

It all started out innocently enough.. having an amazing man in my life prompted me to want to look my best, to be more 'girly', to take more care of my skin.. and, having the support and sweet encouragement of the above-mentioned man , I did so many things I wanted to do but had always thought, "ah, it's not for me.. it's for another prettier, more feminine girl, but certainly not for me.."
To hell with that, yeah! Ear piercing was followed by new hairdo (which I love! short hair is so liberating!) , skirts and frilly tops, experimenting with make up, dangling earrings (another thing I found I really like! ), accessories, culminating in dragging the above-mentioned amazing man on a hunt for 'comfortable' high heels...I learnt it all from the net, from female friends, from magazines, from people-watching..  It all felt like an adventure.. And I found a deeper layer of myself who is feminine, yet strong and confident and happy...


Yet, looking at all those images of beautiful women with their made-up, airbrushed perfection, I found myself wishing more and more often that I'd be 'more beautiful'.. and the confidence I found earlier started getting shaky.. Frequenting shopping malls with lots of dolled-up girls certainly didn't help either. The lowest point of it all? When I found myself looking at the mirror thinking, "Hmm... maybe I should have eye surgery after all, like my mom once recommended, maybe then I will be happy with my looks.."

Uh-oh. An alarm bell went off in my head. This thought, coming from the same brain that used to think, "make up is for someone who is either ugly, of who feels ugly" ?!! Gave some thought to all this beauty thing...

Why do I want to be 'more beautiful'? At first, it was just to be able to look my best.. and, just like any normal girl, make my guy proud to be out with me. Then again.. would my being prettier make him love me more? If yes, then heck I should run away from this guy! And knowing my guy, I can confidently and really proudly say he loves me the way I am.

Besides, I can think of so many ways to actually be a better partner than just looking gorgeous.. I could REALLY discipline myself financially, for a start.. something that I'm still struggling to do and which going shopping for beauty stuff doesn't help >< I can learn to cook more dishes, something that he appreciates a lot, I can think up new trekking routes so we can have fun together, heck, I can simply just be happy, knowing it will make him happy too. (hm, this article might be praising him too much, but well he really is a catch of a man!)

Another reason I can think of, is that, as a designer, I do love beauty and beautiful things.. and seeing that beauty I so adore is absent from myself, makes it quite frustrating. After shying away from beautiful womanly clothes, shoes etc, telling myself I shouldn't even try.. this new Shiela actually has the courage and desire to try them out..and I so wish those beautiful objects would look beautiful on me..

Fuh. Whatever happens, I don't want to be overly preoccupied with my looks. Especially not when it ceases being fun and starts to be eroding my self-esteem. Especially not if it will turn me into one of those girls who cannot go out without make up because they feel 'ugly' or 'incomplete'. Especially not when it hinders me from smiling and enjoying life!

Funnily enough, the many reasons why people wants to be attractive.. to be popular, to have a good social life, to attract a partner, to have a good career.. all these, I already have..  how stupid will it be if my preoccupation with looks then prevents me from enjoying all these things I've already gained.

To be or not to be (beautiful). I think, being myself and having fun being me is so much more important.

'Pretty is something you are born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective.'

Baby Don't Jump the Gun!

Getting very excited at the prospect of going to my new firm, learning new things, working with new people - and new materials! - that I was thinking unwittingly to myself: "Hmm.. but I can only pour myself out into my work while I'm single, right.. Since design work needs a lot of time, dedication, a lot of overtime.. And when I am married I gotta take care of my husband, and probably in three, four years I'm gonna have kids and then, I wonder if I can just leave the kids in day care.. But I do want to take care of my family... But I also want to pursue my goal of being an excellent landscape architect..."

At which point I have to catch myself and say, "Dammit Shiela, those kids don't even exist yet! Stop dragging them into your own planning!"

Sigh. It's true, passion is lived day-by-day and I have not even proven that yet, let alone think of how my *as-of-yet-non-existent* kids will influence my *as-of-yet-non-existent* career! ><


"When work, commitment, and pleasure all become one and you reach that deep well where passion lives, nothing is impossible."

On Pleasure

"Simple pleasures are often the last refuge of the complex."
- Oscar Wilde

Yesterday morning, in line with my being jobless-at-the-moment, I used up half the day just lying in bed reading. Re-reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. No thinking, "Ah but I need to do something else soon" or "Ah, but this book isn't adding anything of value to my work", "Ah, I need to meet up with friends while I have time" . . .

To add to the perfection of it all, it was raining in the morning and the weather was a cool, cloudy grey.. my favorite chill-out weather..

Read something in 'Eat, Pray, Love' along the lines of, in a world so awash with entertainment today, people are still desperate for pleasures. How true, and how sad. How ironic that, because we have so many choices, we move through all the choices too fast to enjoy any of them. Simple example, the moment my brain kinda knew that I'll have time to read, it reacted with, "Alright, let's go to this library and that library, you want to read this, this, this this and this.. and if you can't find the books, let's browse in the bookstore. Or buy it online. You do know it is vital you read these books to prepare for your next job. Anyway you love reading, you should love reading all these.. blah blah blah.."

I had to tell it, "Ow, shut up. I'd really just rather use the time to REALLY read. And I don't care, I'm gonna read a book about the pleasures of eating Italian food, even if it has no relevance whatsoever to my professional development."

Another example, realized yesterday that it's been some time since I am just really eating - no reading newspaper at the same time, no thinking about the next thing to do, no chatting with colleagues/ boyfriend.. Just forcing myself to be aware of each spoonful that goes into my mouth.. Read in the book 'Mindless Eating' that a lot of people now eat so fast or eat while distracting themselves, the brain does not even know what's going on, much less enjoy the taste of food!

Anyway, after the morning reading, I went out after lunch and spontaneously went to have a reflexology + neck & shoulder massage. I've been feeling so stiff on my shoulders it's beginning to really bother me. Normally, I would be asking The Boyfriend to pound on my muscles (he's good!) but he's also been busy and quite tired lately.

Thinking about it, another key point of having pleasures is that, as much as you can, take charge of your own pleasures. I mean, of course it is nice to be happy because someone else is giving to you, whether his time,gifts, or energy.. But the moment one depends on that, then there will be expectations, and a lot of room for resentment as well.

Case in point: I did request The B to help me massage my shoulders a bit a few days ago, and being the sweet guy, he complied, but because I knew he was also tired, I asked him to stop after a few strokes, and even then felt guilty. Keep this kind of thing up, before long one will feel guilty and unsatisfied. No good in a relationship. So I went to have a massage, paid the fee, has 45 mins of pounding and pressing and kneading, and now I feel awesome and ready to take care of myself and him.

Yeah, just so I won't forget again, here are the 'Three Pillars of Pleasure', Shiela-style:

1. Slow down
2. Keep it simple
3. Take charge

Can't go wrong with those. OK, now to go back to reading. "Simplify Your Life" by Elaine St. James =)

On Escape and Relief

Phew..

Phhheeeeeeewwwwwwww..........!!

Today is the first day of not working since I quit my job 2 weeks ago. It feels great. It feels great though in quitting I broke my scholarship bond (supposed to work there for 2 years), made my parents bail me out, and had to go back on my words of 'If I can just pass these two years.. I'll be a stronger, better human being!'

So I had to ask myself, 'Am I not a strong, good human being now?' After spending so much time talking myself out of quitting, listing reasons to stay, coaxing my brain to think, 'It's not so bad, you can surely go through this if you want to, and telling myself it's not the 'right' thing, I finally did it. And it felt so right to get out of there that I couldn't even care what my own self thinks about 'being a good human being' (much less what others think!).

In quitting the job, I found a different kind of courage, different set of lessons. I learn that, though goals usually consist of really wanting to do something, it can also be really wanting NOT to continue doing something, and that goal can be just as worthy of thought, energy and effort.

I learn that I can create a choice, and I chose to leave at risk of people around me questioning how can I be so fickle and just stayed on the job (first job!) 10 months, what's more with the scholarship obligations. Believe you me, facing other people is a trivial thing compared to facing my own conscience day in-day out, asking how come I have turned into a hypocritical, stressed, complaining, bitter, unhappy employee... and let that go on!

Oh, of course I learn that what I conveniently label as 'what other people think' is really my own fear of not measuring up to my own so-called standards, and damn it feels so liberating just to be honest to myself about it.

After giving myself much pep-talk of 'You know, your own happiness is internal.. No matter what happens to you, you shouldn't let that affect you.. Your attitude determines your latitude.. ect etc', I learn that there are some battles in life just not worth fighting for, that I'm better off using my energy to fight other battles (or to just plain be happy!). I learn that, unhappiness is real no matter what inspirational quotes say, and it's legitimate to deal with it by changing your attitude AND your surroundings.

Some bitterness remains, yeah.. How does one not be angry towards an organization that exists to make people think they are capable of delivering much more than they actually can do (otherwise known as, 'cheating the clients' ), and to exploit the employees?

Ah, but.. I am no longer part of that organization.

It feels plain awesome.

Tentang Menulis

Atau lebih tepatnya, kenapa udah lama banget nggak pernah nulis >< Tiba2 aja, kemarin aku berpikir, kenapa ya, sekarang udah nggak begitu niat menulis blog, padahal kalau dibilang hidupku sekarang lebih nggak seru, ya nggak juga.. dibilang nggak ada inspirasi.. apa iya ya..?

Jadi mikir.. Aku sadar, masalah jarang nulis ini mulainya adalah karena aku 'sibuk' pacaran.. Mungkin, aku jenis orang yang kalo banyak masalah dan dilanda rasa sedih, baru deh jiwa puitis dan segala macam ilham keluar.. Saat suasana hujan rintik-rintik, sendirian dalam kamar.. Senyap dan dingin.. owh.. Tipe2 orang yang jadi target konsumen film India penuh melodrama..

Semenjak ada 'dia' di sampingku.. Dibilang rasa sedih, ya ada juga, kadang2 kalau cekcok.. Tapi entah bagaimana, rasanya selalu ada satu optimisme.. Kemauan untuk 'just make this work', dan kebahagiaan yg dipicu oleh hal2 paling kecil sekalipun.. Di sms tiba2.. langsung seneng.. liat dia senyum.. langsung berbunga2.. Hujan rintik2.. ada dia yg menemani dan menghangatkan jiwa *nggak cuma jiwa doang ding, yah well.. ;p * Berangkat dari sana.. Lenyap sudah suasana2 melankolis yg justru bisa membangkitkan inspirasi..

Pikir2 juga.. Sebetulnya iya sih, jatuh cinta atau punya orang yang dicintai itu.. it's powerful.. sesuatu yg bisa membuat orang nggak peduli kalau misalnya semua hal lain dalam hidupnya nggak berjalan terlalu baik, asal sang pendamping ada di sisi. Ibaratnya, 'tahi kucing berasa coklat'.. *meskipun aku ngeri banget membayangkan skenario kebalikannya dimana seandainya patah hati tiap makan coklat berasa tahi kucing >< *

Selain soal pacaran ini juga.. yah, sekarang aku udah kerja dan boleh dibilang kerjaanku adalah sesuatu yg menyenangkan, yg juga menyumbang makna hidup buatku.. jadinya pikiranku udah nggak kemana2, menganalisa banyak hal2 random yg seringkali jadi 'bahan dasar' tulisan2 di blog ini..

Di sisi lain... Rasa2nya.. akhir2 ini aku jarang bermimpi.. jarang berekspresi.. Ujung dari membuang mimpiku keluar dari Singapur.. *apa boleh buat udah kepincut orang sini.. 100% menjilat ludah sendiri.. secara tadinya udah sumpah2 ga mau sama orang Sg.. ya, ludah sendiri rasanya not bad jg kok..*

Apa buat banyak orang juga seperti itu? Tiba2 aja sadar bahwa keinginan untuk keliling dunia, bertualang kesana-kemari, melakukan ini dan itu, sudah nggak menggebu2.. bahkan terasa cuma seperti satu kenangan yang jauh..

Aku masih ingin punya mimpi.. Dan ambisi.. Meskipun hati berkata lain, bahwa sekarang bukan saatnya lagi bermimpi cuma buat diriku sendiri, tapi bermimpi bersama2 orang yg kusayang.

Satu langkah kecil untuk kembali bermimpi, adalah buatku, kembali menulis.. Entah kenapa, meskipun blog ini publik tapi terasa seperti ruang kecil untuk berpikir sendiri, kesenangan kecil yg bisa kunikmati sendirian..

Selamat datang kembali, semoga itu pantas kuucapkan buat diriku sendiri.

On Books

"I can't believe how few records you have. It's pathetic, Dad."
"I know. Several movements in popular music culture have passed me by completely."
"You've got quite a lot of books, though."
"Not compared to some people."
"I'd never read a book if I didn't have to. Books are boring."
Timothy stops and looks at Liam gravely.
"I once heard Tim Henman say that on television," he says. "You know. The tennis player. I thought 'No, Tim, books contain all the magic of thought and imagination that great minds think up. If you can't find anything stimulating or interesting in any book ever written, I'm afraid it's you that's boring.' Say that you aren't bookish, as unfortunately seems to be the case with you, but don't ever say, in my presence, that books are boring.'

- Obstacles to Young Love